Weird Phobias

Was listening to radio this morning whilst getting dressed and they were chatting about weird phobias, not very exciting, a phobia of wasps and bee’s, didn’t think that was too weird, I had a friend from years ago that was absolutely terrified of bee’s and unfortunately one got into his car whilst we were both in it, he went crazy, panicked and flailed about whilst the car swerved into the path of an oncoming lorry… it was the last time I ever got in a car with him…bloody bees.

However, I have my own weird phobia(s), it’s people on crutches.

OK OK, you’re thinking WTF but it’s true, it all stems from when I was about 10 years old, I was walking up a hill towards home with a bunch of friends and there was this bloke standing at the bus stop leaning on crutches. I can’t really explain it but as we all walked past him chatting and joking away, somehow or another my right foot kicked his outer crutch …and he fell over …with quite a thud! I was mortified and apologised immediately but he struggled to his feet with both his crutches screaming at me that I was a clumsy clutz and started swinging the clutches at me… We all ran like hell leaving him behind to curse and swear at me but ever since that day I’ve always been a bit nervous near folk on crutches, it was probably a bit foolish of me to train as a nurse and work in a hospital for twelve years then…

I also have a weird phobia about large breasted woman (or large breasted men for that matter!). This all stems back from my very first proper girlfriend who was enormously endowed, not like that was the (only!) reason we dated, it was hypnotising, like watching two small bald headed men wrestling under a duvet… Unfortunately her chest was also incredibly sensitive and one couldn’t actually fondle them without her winching and slapping me in the face. Even spooning was an issue (never mind actual forking), I’d snuggle up in bed behind her wrapping my arms around her and she’d scream “ouch! watch it!’ and I’d have to very gingerly move my arms either around her hips or around her bleeding neck. My friends used to ask what it was like dating her and I’d tell them I was just a bunch of nerves, Irish folk are very physical, we like to hug a lot but even this was out of the question – assuming I didn’t want kicked in the shins. I had a Kiwi friend from a few years ago, she was similarly endowed, she said the exact same thing, incredibly sensitive.. I suppressed my usual urge to hug her too, my shins still hadn’t recovered. And of course like my phobia of people on crutches, later on in life I went and worked for a breast cancer charity for two years… I was a nervous wreak there.

Oh dear, two recent postings about breasts, I’m going to be getting emails saying I’m obsessed… as opposed to my friends who say I’m possessed..

Weird phobia number three. Computers. Some background. A few years ago I went across the pond to the Grand Canyon, took a helicopter ride over it, landed at the ridge and then went on some horses slowly down the trails to have a picnic at the bottom of the canyon. That was the plan but I’ve never sat on a horse in my life. Horses can tell if you’re a novice, they sense it and being the mischievous buggers they are, they tend to play up on it. My horse knew I was a virgin so he kept strolling over to the edge of the trail to sniff occasional clumps of vegetation…this kind’a terrified me as I could see myself sliding out’a the saddle and falling down into the canyon head first. No other horses did this, everyone else had been on a horse before so the horses behaved, mine knew I was a ‘virgin’ and decided to play with me. So phobia number three. Computers. In much the same way that horse knew I was a novice, so do computers, someone once said ‘don’t anthropomorphize computers, they hate that’ and it’s true, I think computers are alive and equally mischievous. When computers first came out I could never get them to do what I wanted and even now I can go to the Help Desk with some query, they will press a button and it all magically works, I can’t understand it, I go back to my desk, do the exact same thing and it all falls over. So I’ve got a bit paranoid about computers, I think they know I’m a novice in certain areas and they scheme amongst themselves, it’s like the horses, the computers go “here comes sausage fingers, lets play with him..”. And of course, like folk on clutches and large bosomed woman, the Universe has conspired with the job market to place me in an IT job now.

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