This man walks into a bar..

A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

This time last year I was wondering what I should be doing for my next career and I seriously considered stand-up comedy. Well yes, let me explain, this webby think I do now is career number three and I have no intention of doing this the rest of my life, I think the more changes you have in your life the more your personality expands. So I was hunting around, wondering what I’d like to do for the next ten years and I thought about going on the stage and doing a long comedy monologue like Billy Connolly, based on my life experiences, not just dating but about all the other things in this blog and quite a few things you lot aren’t privy to (yet)!

For example, did you know that a man was arrested in Oxford and fined 80 quid for calling a police horse ‘gay’. This happened a few years ago, he spent the night in the cells and was given a fixed penalty fine next morning.

What I find funny about this story is that (a) being gay isn’t a crime and (b) I really don’t think the horse would have minded, if by some miracle it actually understood English, a horse is going to be pretty confident about it’s own sexuality, after all, it is hung like a ermm horse. So if I was defending the young chap, I would have got him off (no pun intended!), I would have simply said that the horse was standing naked, on all fours in the middle of the street with a man on his back… case dismissed.

And yes, for some bizarre reason I seem to know a lot of ‘a man walks into a bar’ jokes..

Anyway, so I thought I’d better research this comedy thing a wee bit, went to quite a lot of comedy clubs, spoke to quite a few comedians and I learnt a lot about comedy. It seems, as a blatant generalisation, that there are only three places in the world that comedians congregate; New York, LA and London. Out of those three two of them are filled with Americans and nothing else. Apparently London, my adopted city is the Mecca for comedy world wide and it’s busting to the gills with comedians of all ilks, English, Irish, Scottish, American, Australians, in fact anyone who speaks English, no matter how badly, and wants to do comedy makes a beeline for London.

There are a few reasons for this, number one is that in the States the gig fee paid for comedy is $50 and that hasn’t changed since the early eighties, so 99.9% of American comedians live on the breadline – or come and make a killing in London, you’d be surprised at the number of American comedians living here in the UK and regularly on the BBC.

And there is a difference in styles as well, in America, comedians develop short 5-10 minutes sets in the hope that TV executives will watch them and get them a slot on shows like the Dave Letterman Show and increase their exposure but in England it’s completely different, comedians here like to develop nice long monologues because we have festivals like the Edinburgh Fringe where you can have deliver a nice long one or two hour monologue. Also, comedy is massive here, every town, even small towns, have comedy venues and this can be attributed to a huge boom in theatre building during the Victorian age.

So I worked on a one hour monologue based on my stories here, the secret to good comedy is practise practise practise so you don’t ummhh and haa all the way through your monologue but also you need to be flexible and involve your audience. I’ve watched a few comedians and sometimes the majority of their content comes from the audience ie Ricky Gervais and Jimmy Carr so it’s good to be flexible.

One of my other stories involves valentines cards, this is a strange tradition, it seems weird to me that I can send cards and flowers anonymously to woman saying I want to sleep with you and they go ‘awwwwwwww, how sweet’ but send a card like that any other time of the year and you are done for stalking…

Sadly, my one hour monologue took two hours to deliver, apparently I’m not meant to laugh at my own jokes. I tried out my monologue on my then flat mate, he said nothing but moved out shortly after that. Perhaps I should just stick to ‘a man walks into a bar’ jokes..

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A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, “We have a drink here named after you.” The grasshopper says, “Bob?”
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A pony walks into a bar and says “Bartender, may I have a drink?”
Bartender says “What? I can’t hear you. speak up!”
“May I please have a drink?”
“What? You have to speak up!”
“Could I please have a drink?”
“Now listen, if you don’t speak up I will not serve you.”
“I’m sorry, I’m just a little hoarse.”
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A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer ..and a mop.
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A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “I can’t serve you.” The mushroom says, “Why not? I’m a fun-guy.”
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A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “Hey, why the long face?”
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Bacon and Eggs walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve breakfast.”
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Two blondes walk into the bar….You’d think one of them would of seen it?
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A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: “Pint please, and one for the road.”
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So a five-dollar bill walks into a bar.
Bartender says, “Get outa here! We don’t serve your type. This is a singles bar.
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A man walks into a bar and the bartender says, “I’m sorry, I can’t serve you here unless you are wearing a tie.”
The man says, “Okay, I’ll be right back,” and goes to his car to find anything he can use for a tie. All he finds is a set of jumper cables, so he ties them around his neck, goes back in and asks, “How’s this?”
The bartender replies, “Well, okay, but don’t start anything.”
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A baby seal walks into a bar and sits down. “What can I get you?” asked the bartender.
“Anything but a Canadian Club” replied the seal.
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A neutron walks into a bar. “I’d like a beer” he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
“How much will that be?” asks the neutron.
“For you?” replies the bartender, “no charge”
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Two cannibals walk into a bar and sits beside this clown. The first cannibal wacks the clown on the head and they both start eating the clown. Suddenly the second cannibal looks up and says, “Hey, do you taste something funny?”
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Two peanuts walked into a bar, and one was a-salted.
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Two cartons of yoghurt walk into a bar. The bartender, a tub of cottage cheese, says to them, “We don’t serve your kind in here.”
One of the yoghurt cartons says back to him, “Why not? We’re cultured individuals.”
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Maybe I shouldn’t give up the day job 😉

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