Superpower Swapshop


I have a superpower, no, not the ability to produce copious amounts of bellybutton fluff, enough to fill four pillows (so far), no, it’s that I can eat myself stupid and actually lose weight. You, dear reader merely have to glance at a cake and gain 10lbs, I look at a cake and lose 10lbs, you can blame Mother Nature for that little superpower. However,  I might be tempted to swap this ability with someone else’s super ability, perhaps the ability to understand the opposite sex, that would be a useful ability to have (my friends say that’s just impossible, no man will ever be able to understand woman!) but wouldn’t it be terrific to go into a shop and trade superpowers or even do it online?

I have a few other talents I’d consider trading too but those are for me to know and you to find out, sadly the ability to fart quietly and blame it on the dog is not considered a ‘superpower’ (except amongst my male friends) but some of the abilities I’d consider trading for are as follows;

The ability to sleep through any noise, especially during rutting season, I have two moose living upstairs. This is an ability both my boys have – especially when I am trying to get them up in the morning – enjoy it whilst it last boys, you will lose that power eventually when you hand it down to your own kids!

The ability to fast forward through meeting like you can fast forward on Youtube, go to a meeting, press the fast forward and the next words you hear are ‘so that’s it sorted, we’ll see you all next month’  ..sweet.

The ability to reach down the telephone and throttle the dim-wit on the other end who’s just rang me up at 2am to ask if I’d be interested in changing my mobile phone/electricity/gas contract.

Teleportation (for everyone) would be good – sorry if you work for the airlines and oil companies… would have to have safe guards, the last thing I want is someone to teleport into my bathroom when I’m having a good Eartha Kitt

The ability to instantly grow a beard like Zee-Zee-Top.. come on, that could be very useful, spill something then ‘ping’ magic beard to wipe it up with…  find little injured bird in park.. ‘ping’ instant nest for him.. runny nose…uncomfortable pillow…

The ability to have my theme music played every time I walked into a room and for everyone in the room to cheer and start clapping ..oh come on, it would take quite some time before I got fed up with that power! OK OK, people already cheer and clap when I walk into a room but I’m missing the theme music!

The ability to twitch my nose like Samantha in Bewitched and play little mischievous tricks on folk that deserve to have their lunch spilt over them or trip them up on their ass…I’m thinking catwalk models here, when Naomi Campbell fell on her ass a few years ago I think everyone indulged in some schadenfreude..

To actually be able to ‘use the force, Luke’…  no, really, I’m a lazy bugger and if I dropped my knife at the dinner table I could just ‘use the fork, Luke’..

The ability to delete anyone from history, they could have a big delete button over their head like in The Sims… Hitler..delete, Stalin..delete, Mao…delete..that’s roughly 96 million lives saved.. thank you, now, I wonder, does that bully from Primary School have a button over his head…

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