When I began this whole internet dating malarky I started off being very fussy about height, weight, age, sex, (sanity) but then when no-one emailed me I tried talking to anyone and everyone. Eventually Miss SBG responded, she looked reasonably sane and rather than fart around with endless emails I thought I’d take the plunge and suggested she meet me for a bite to eat.
She said great and I arranged to meet her in Wimbledon..
I duly arrived on time and she was just arriving in her Green Paddy Wagon as she called it and God, what a shocker, I held the car door open for her and the first thing I noticed was just how exposed her boobs were, bloody hell, I could almost see her belly button, I didn’t know where to look – well, I did but I was trying not to, it was like watching two bald headed men wrestling under a duvet, I couldn’t understand how they were managing to stay in her blouse, I instinctively grabbed onto the car door incase I was sucked in never to be seen again..
That was shock number one, shock number two was the length of her skirt or lack of length, talk about short, I’ve seen thicker belts and it was pretty obvious she was wearing some very Bridget Jones underwear ….oooeeerrr
Shock number three was her face – when I eventually managed to tear my eyes away from her boobs and legs (I am a man after all!) shock number three was her face, she said on her profile that she was 45 but there was no way she was in her 40’s, I asked her about that – subtle is not my strongest point – and she said that she was really 56 but the 45 in her profile was a ‘typo’ and she didn’t see the point in changing it as she was after a toy boy. In her photo she looked reasonable but this was a completely different woman, being Mr Subtle I asked her about that and she admitted that the photo was 20 years old and she was using that one as her current one wasn’t working…doh!
So, in the Indian restaurant and the waiters eyes are just like her boobs – popping out, I had to repeat the order about four times until he got it right, dirty bastard! I was chatting away and said something funny and she started laughing but what a laugh, the whole restaurant went quiet and stared at her, I wanted to die…I immediately checked out just were the exit was…and looked wistfully at it… it was kind’a like a laughing hyena with a really really bad cold, she was laughing and snorting at the same time and I had to put my hand over my food before she sprayed it, God, she was loud and of course as she was laughing her boobs were wobbling away like two giant blancmange’s or two Krakatoa’s about to erupt, they were riveting but even more riveting were her arms, God, they were amazingly hairy. Now I know that as you get older then you get hairier, even I am getting hairier and why on earth does nature think I need bushy eyebrows and long nasal hair I’ll never know. Billy Connelly did a piece about long nasal hair and said “I mean just what sort of creature is going to attack me in the middle of the night and will be repelled by long nasal hair” – well, apart from woman of course! But anyway, Miss SBG had these incredibly hairy arms, I was mesmerised by them, I’ve seen hairy arms but this was ridiculous, I’ve seen Irish builders with less arm hair, she was hairier than my father and he’s half werewolf, it was amazing, she was like a silver backed gorilla, I was gob smacked, she had fur, I wondered if her arms were like this then god knows what her back was going to be like, it would be like curling up with Scobbie Doo.. was REALLY tempted to ask if she shaved her legs..(back, arms, chest…..)
God, that sounds awful, maybe I better stop now..
Conversation was a bit strained, I must admit to being absolutely hypnotised by her arms, I’ve no idea what she said all night as I was just transfixed by them, she could have said ‘ohhh ohh ahhh pass me a banana Tarzan’ and I wouldn’t have noticed, in fact she probably did.. it seems her interests in life centred around getting pissed every weekend and watching Big Brother, I asked where was the furthest she had ever travelled and Brighton was the response, a day trip to Brighton..where she drank herself silly and was sick over everybody on the bus home…
Then I asked about books and she said she hasn’t read anything since she left school apart from Hello and Heat magazine…and I’m groping for conversational hooks, what about home, family, job, career, restaurants, theatre, ambition, hopes – dates.. anything for Pete’s sake and I get one word answers…and the clocks second hand is going in reverse… I’ve never actually spent most of a meal in complete silence but it was bordering on that.. actually I tell a lie, I went on a Speed Dating evening and one woman sat there for the whole 10 minutes and wouldn’t even look me in the eye…that’s another tale..
Anyway, the other thing was she had a huge handbag. I thought that was a bit strange but I soon found out why. After the meal I made my excuses and walked her back to her car and she said “Oh, aren’t you going to invite me around for coffee?” Now in all mens mind we have this complete fantasy about meeting up with some attractive woman, hitting it off and then the ultimate being her turning around and inviting herself back ‘for coffee’, all men fantasise about times like that – NEVER happens but we live in hope, however she said it to me and I actually said to her “I beg your pardon?”, and she repeated the question and there is this moment when you think “WOW” and it’s immediately replaced with “Oh My God! No thank you” so I said erm Thanks but I need to get an early night, lots of work to do tomorrow… She said that’s fine, I’ll come along and keep you company! and I was a bit caught out, I fumbled for excuses and said “oh but you probably don’t have all your womans gear and all that..” she says “don’t be silly, what do you think this is, it’s my overnight bag!” I said to her Jesus, you go to dates with your OVERNIGHT BAG???!!” Needless to say I made my excuses and disappeared off the face of the planet – or as my friend K says “I had a sudden yachting accident”..
I know you probably think I’m making this all up but if only I was…sigh..