Nursing Life (part deux)

Working (previously) as a nurse on Intensive Care one forgets that ‘normal’ folk haven’t experienced the kind of life you have and it tends to warp ones sense of humour, for the worse. Like Eskimo’s with their many different ways of describing snow, that you also have a many different ways of describing diarrhoea, the least favourite way of describing it when a Medic asks you about it being “just look at my shoes..” (and yes, this is how we spell diarrhoea in the UK)

There are no holes barred when you work as a nurse (literally), my fingers have been in places where the sun don’t shine many times.. and not just during my lunch-break either (joke!), and I’ve seen more willies than any porn actress. I’ve also seen some strange objects inserted in body cavities, it’s amazing just how many men ‘accidentally’ sit on things left in their sofa; hairbrushes, satsumas(!), lightbulbs and the amount of men that hoover naked (in winter) and somehow manage to accidentally catch their willies in the hoover hose… I’m telling ya, I’m starting to get suspicious..

Part of my job was to educate patients about the dangers of smoking and what it does to their health but ironically there is a silver lining to smoking – at least from a nursing (and cost) perspective, I’ve had patients who are heavy smokers and the very first thing they do upon waking up from an operation is to ask for a fag (that’s cigarette here in the UK sweetie!). Upon being informed that there is no smoking allowed on the hospital premises they nearly always manage to struggle out of bed, hobble down the corridor and stand outside and light up, sometimes literally if they have an oxygen mask on! Not without some irony, physiotherapists were always saying to me that they wished every patient was as motivated to get out of bed and mobilise as smokers were..

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