More Crimes and Misdemeanours don't drink all my beer and then fall unconscious when I'm around

More crimes I’m afraid.

When I was 25 I shaved off half my friend’s moustache. It was punishment as (a) he was unconscious after drinking all my booze on holiday plus (b) he had booked us a hotel room in Turkey right beside those huge effing speakers the faithful are called to prayer with at six o’clock in the morning.

When the call went out I was fast asleep and I swear, I near shit myself, I thought an ocean liner was about to come crashing through the wall! So as punishment I shaved off half of his moustache and then told him he did it himself in the morning when he surfaced.

A few days later when we eventually found another hotel that wasn’t right beside a mosque I had almost forgiven him right up to the moment when he mentioned that he had been using my razor to shave with – that’s verboten as far as I’m concerned so that day I suggested we go on a boat trip, I knew he had a jippy tummy but told him there would be a loo on the boat.

There wasn’t.

He spent the entire trip pacing up and down the boat anxiously ignoring my suggestion to stick his rear end over the side and do his business – lee side of course. By the time the boat arrived with us and about 20 others on it at the next island Tony was in agony, as we sailed closer to the shore there was a queue to dock on the rickety pier so Tony suddenly dived overboard and swam the last 20 yards and then dashed up the beach and the main street to the one hotel hanging desperately onto his swimming trunks… I think he made it but I (and everyone else) was too busy laughing our asses off to care.. we reckon he broke the Olympic Swimming record for both the swim and the 100m dash…

He refuses to answer my emails these days…  can’t figure out why not…….  😉

Yes, am going to Hell.. care to join me?

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