I was looking at some photos of myself aged ten the other day and it occurred to me that wouldn’t it be cool if we could send a letter to ourselves back in time…
Letter to myself, aged 10.
There’s absolutely no point in throwing a paddy just because your mother insists on taking you out shoe shopping instead of letting you watch the very last episode in the series of Scooby Doo. I know you will find this irksome but having shoes that don’t actually pinch/hurt and let in the rain is preferable to going to school with trenchfoot. Anyway, what you don’t know is that The Cartoon Network is going to be invented and you can watch endless repeats of Scooby Doo until your hearts content.
PS Haven’t you figured out that it’s always the one non-gang member who’s always the baddie in Scooby Doo?
Letter to myself, aged 15.
Oh for goodness sake would you fecking well wash! You stink, you REALLY stink, don’t you realise that the paint peels off the walls when you walk into a room? And for heavens sake, please please please change your underwear/socks daily and your sheets every weekend! Seriously, you STINK!
PS Those documentaries on the telly talking about the coming ice age and scaring the shit out of everyone, well, 30 years later we have the same documentaries talking about global warming…go figure..
PPS something tragic is going to happen any day now but the silver lining is that it will make you question everything and put you on the path of discovery, your Universe is about to grow more than you can ever imagine.
PPPS, stop throwing a paddy just because you can’t watch wall-to-wall Star Trek, the Sci-fi channel is coming..
Letter to myself, aged 20.
I refer you to my letter of five years ago, and you are wondering why you still haven’t a girlfriend..? WASH! you idiot! That noise you can hear is your future self banging YOUR head against the monitor at your inability to understand simple instructions. Of course there is no point in me telling you this as by now you are a walking erection and don’t have enough blood in your body for a functioning brain as well as an erection. Stop throwing a paddy just because you can’t watch wall-to-wall porn, the Playboy channel is coming..
Ohh STOP trying to dance like John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever, it was only cool for all of three seconds, oh and whilst I’m at it, stop wearing those shirts with the huge wide collars, they were only cool if you were in Starsky & Hutch and your name was Huggy Bear..
BTW Darren, your best friend, is gay and loves you, don’t go to Dublin with him and all the girls from his hairdressers work, you will find it easy to talk to them all simply because they will assume you are gay too and they don’t realise you are trying to chat them up. Please note, large quantities of vodka, whiskey, gin and Chinese food don’t mix AT ALL.
Don’t lend David Savage your electric shaver on your first ski-ing holiday, he uses it to shave his anal hair.
PS stop feeling so guilty about masturbation, it’s healthy and currently the only exercise you seem to get these days.
Letter to myself, age 25.
Dump Audrey, she’s seeing Trevor on the side. Get your hair cut. Brush your teeth more often. Brush your hair more often and no matter how much big chested Wendy from the hairdressers tells you; perms were never cool! Learn to cook, you idiot! Stop throwing a paddy just because you can’t watch wall-to-wall Bruce Willis movies, the Sky Movies channel is coming..
Stop living in fear, the world doesn’t end, WWIII doesn’t kick off, nuclear winter doesn’t happen, Bill Gates isn’t the Antichrist, Hell only exists in your mind and England will never win the World Cup ever again, stop living in fear, live in love.
Change careers frequently, trust me, your world (and your personality) will expand exponentially the more you do this one thing.
Learn to dance!
Dance at least once every day.
Don’t sweat the small stuff, your life is about to change dramatically, bye-bye Belfast and all the bigotry, hello multicultural London, all those feelings and instincts about what’s important in life and what’s flotsam are about to solidify, follow your instincts, you are going to get a lot of things right and a lot of things wrong, it doesn’t matter because you learn equally from both methods, just remember that money doesn’t matter, only people do, just trust your instincts and do what you are good at, fighting for other people, even if it seems unpopular at the time.
(PS You won’t understand this yet – but buy the domain names business.com, google.com, ebay.com, facebook.com and microsoft.com .. oh and maybe wordpress.com 😉