Crimes and misdemeanours, Part 7. Green Fingers?

Since Valentine’s Day is coming up I thought I might mention some of my more bizarre adventures in the wonderful world of Dating Land.

Met Sue (not her real name) down in Brighton a long time ago. Did the usual beforehand; emails, chats on the phone and then decided it would be cool to meet up.

So, popped down to Brighton, had a nice bit of lunch, chatted away, seemed OK and went for nice post lunch walk along the beach. Chatted away about life, love and everything under the sun, nothing out’a the ordinary, no red flags.

Then the weather turned and it started raining. Crap! I wasn’t expecting this (an expression I would use again that day), no umbrella or jacket but then Sue says “My house is just up the road, why don’t you come back to my place until it stops..?”

I looked at her surprised – “Are you sure, I might be an axe murderer – or even worse, YOU might be one!?”

She laughed and said “No, I don’t get that vibe from you, it’s OK, come back and dry out a bit..”

So, we scooted back to her terrace house and popped into her kitchen. First thing I noticed was I could hardly move potted plants.

Hang on a minute…wait…aren’t these cannabis plants??

Jesus Christ, everywhere I looked cannabis plants were growing, in the kitchen, in the conservatory, in the greenhouse… I thought Shit! WTF have I stumbled upon, some drug den? She just didn’t give off that ‘drug dealer’ vibe.

I asked her what on earth was she doing with so many plants and she said she sells them; it’s how she makes her living! What! I sat there and she told me everything about them, how to force grow them, process them, and then she showed me her basement and it’s jam packed with weed drying out!

I’m sitting there in her kitchen drinking tea – hoping it was JUST Tea – listening to all this when this old geezer shuffles into the kitchen and asks for some tea! I look at Sue and she says Oh this is my dad, the house is divided up into upper and lower flats, he lives mostly upstairs and she lives downstairs, so he came wandering down for a chat and a cuppa, he was about 90.

I exchanged pleasantries and asked him about all the plants to which he replied “Oh yes, it’s great isn’t it, Sue is very green fingered, she should be on Gardeners World with Monty Don!

He shuffles off and I ask Sue, aren’t you afraid of getting reported, you’ve got a greenhouse full of plants there? She says no, the neighbours can’t see the greenhouse and they are cool about everything, anyway they come round here and smoke joints quite regularly…

So I asked what she does with so much weed and she explained how she picks them and puts them into little packets, then goes around the local gyms and sells it to her classes, she goes to all these OVER 60’s keep fit classes and yoga classes and sells the regulars weed! No wonder everyone’s so chilled out after yoga!

That was Bizarre Date Number one, then there was Miss Notting Hill Park…


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