It’s a truism that women have many faults, but men only two; everything they say and everything they do. Sadly, this is very true and at this time of the year I look to the future and plan. At some stage, far into the future, two unfortunate women are going to do something that completely defies logic – they are going to date my two beasties and eventually marry them. Whoever you are, I salute you. And pity you. Ha!
However, it’s 2012 today, New Year’s Day, the beasties are almost 15 and 13 and marriage for them is perhaps far away in the distant future but in preparation for those completely illogical decisions I would like to point out to the future Mrs and Mrs Beastie that I have been doing the ground work now. Yes, really. You can thank me now. Since the beasties were able to understand English I have been house training them – albeit not with 100% success but it’s a work in progress. So, things I have been trying to teach the beasties;
Put dirty clothes in laundry basket.
Make your bed in the morning.
Shower every day.
Change underwear every morning.
Change socks in the morning.
Brush teeth, morning and night.
Dishes do not wash themselves.
Clothes do not wash/iron themselves.
Don’t talk with mouth full.
Use knives, forks and spoons properly,
but not for DIY and car maintenance.
Cooking can involve more than a microwave.
There are other beverages apart from beer.
Have legible handwriting.
exit bookshops with something that doesn’t contain pictures.
Lift the toilet seat,
have good aim,
put toilet seat down,
AND THEN the lid.
say yes please and thank you.
Belching is perfectly acceptable with the guys,
but it will never get you laid,
ditto laziness, rudeness, arrogance and being a complete jerkoff,
but especially not in shared baths.
Pretend to be pleased with presents that don’t plug in or run by battery,
or contain a USB socket.
Unless you are a Native American, the Mohawk will never get you laid,
never in the history of all mankind.
Always put the lady on the inside when walking,
that WILL get you laid,
and being kind to anything covered in fur,
ditto holding doors open,
talking of which..
ladies first, especially when it comes to orgasms!
Here endth the first lesson.
Okay, like I said, a work in progress and it’s an evolving lesson as they get older, the later lessons I have as yet to tackle but it’s only a matter of time. You see, these are the things I have learnt over the years and I have made all the mistakes, thought I was being cool and funny when I was just being stupid and gross, I know the beasties will be able to add a lot more to this list by the time they get married but at least it’s a start and the hard work is being done now, habits are being formed now so in twenty years’ time they will both automatically clear up the dishes after supper and your darling daughters will never sit down on a wet toilet seat. You can thank me now.
However, this is not all a one-way street. If you are the mother of said unfortunate girls whom are going to put up with my beasties then you have to do your bit too, you are going to have to give your daughters an insight of all things bloke-ish, this includes;
Understanding that the Xbox will always be superior to the Playstation and any views held to the contrary will be scoffed at.
It would probably be good if they could almost whip his ass at Halo.
Ditto, it would be good if they could almost drink him under the table.
Understanding that in the same way they can never be too thin, too rich or too beautiful, for men they can never go too fast or too high or too deep, it’s just the way men are built.
Understanding that, during the Goth years they are wasting their time delicately flavouring foods with four different herbs as men’s taste buds are only capable of distinguishing between sugar and very hot curry.
Sorry, but it’s true.
Understand that presents that don’t have sockets, run by batteries, have USB ports or go very very very very very very VERY fast will remain in the back of the wardrobe until they can be sneaked off to the charity shop.
Understanding that, from a blokes perspective, holes in underwear and socks are considered an added benefit as they provide increased ventilation with the bonus that they get to flash even more of their gorgeous flesh to all and sundry. Spouses will have to incinerate said Holy Underwear when beasties are comatosed. Having one of those Biohazard Germ Warfare suits in the garage might come in handy – and not just for role-playing games in the bedroom.
I know there are lots more to add to this list but this is just a broad start to amuse some of you and wind everyone else up. It’s a tough job but someone’s gotta to do it. The winding up.