Crimes and misdemeanours part eight – Dog Tails


Dogs and me have history..  I was young…I’m much better behaved these days… promise

Years ago when I lived in Ireland and was living by myself I really wanted a dog so off I trotted to the local animal shelter with friend Carl and he got this huge Bulldog sort of monster and I got an Alsatian (German Shepard) and it was off to the park to walk them…of course all the woman were all over us and we were loving it, nothing like a dog to attract the woman…probably something about a man being able to look after a dog must be able to look after babies.

So anyway, mine seemed quite relaxed, really relaxed, so I let it off the lead..

and it was ok for ohhhhh.. about three seconds and then off it shot like a rocket into the lake and started chasing the Canadian Geese…I looked at Carl, he looked at me and without saying a word we ran like hell out of Ward Park just as we saw the Parkies appearing..

So it was off to WhiteSpots Animal Shelter – we couldn’t go back to the local one and we got another dog for me, another Alsatian, this one was even better at attracting woman than the last one but of course I could never take it to the Park…however it was sick in my car ALMOST every time it was in it…not good, (a 25 yr old has a lot of pride in his wheels – how things change), and when I went to work it howled and howled..the neighbours didn’t really like it, actually they were ready to lynch me and the dog so it was off to WhiteSpots with it and swap it for another one, this time I had a gorgeous Alsatian, brilliant long haired thing, more like a lion than a dog and God, the woman were all over it, I was in my element, however, Carl’s dog, Duke, was another matter, it was brute ugly and scared the woman away! It should have come with a health warning..

I hated his dog.

When I use to call around at his house the bloody dog would charge at me and leap up and without fail it’s two front paws would hit me smack in the nuts, every single time, bloody effing dog, I was crippled…but to get my own back we would dump both dogs into the back of Carl’s car and drive way out into the middle of the country and when we thought no one was looking we would dump them out of the car.

Of course they thought they were going for walks but oh no, we would jump back into the car and drive off slowly, the dogs would look at each other and think WTF is going on and slowly catch on and come charging after us, of course we drove slowly and cars would pass us coming the other way and wonder what was going on and why were we driving at 10 miles per hour and what were those two dogs doing chasing us…

Usually after a bit we would slow down and open the boot of the car, the dogs wouldn’t even have the energy in climb in so we would lift them in and take them home and trust me, after that they slept all night and didn’t need exercised for about a week after…well, I had to get my own back for all the vomit in the car and all the jumping on my nuts…

Yes, I know, I’m evil and am going straight to hell..

Oh just remembered, Carl told me about that time that he was in bed one night and he was having a lovely dream about being in bed with a model, he was really enjoying himself but he couldn’t understand why when he was kissing her that she smelt so awful…turns out when he woke up that Duke had crept into bed with him. I’m sorry, I know it’s cruel to laugh but I just can help it, how far did he go, was it good for him, did she get down and dirty, did he do in doggy style??

Leave a Reply