Ted: So Coach, those climate talks have finished in Glasgow and from what I can tell they’ve produced more hot air than they’re actually getting rid of..

Coach: Well Ted, there were a lot of very very clever folk up there in Glasgow, if they can’t solve it then who can?

Ted: Well, by spooky co-incidence, I have a few ideas on how to solve the climate crisis that doesn’t involve the use of private jets and huddling together during a global pandemic, but you’re not going to like them…

Coach: So no change there then…

Ted: Saving the planet isn’t really that difficult to do. The problem is that folk, and by folk I mean marketing folk, don’t see the bigger picture.

Coach: Marketing folk???

Ted: Yes, of course! Over the course of centuries western civilisation has developed remarkably but at the cost of increased CO2. And now non-western countries would like to follow suite, have a western standard of living, and who can blame them, who would choose to live in poverty? Bringing the rest of the world up to western levels using current technologies is going to massively increase CO2 levels, but here’s the thing that all those marketing depts haven’t caught on, can you imagine how happy they would be if, instead of selling to one billion people, they sold to eight billion? What if most of the population of China, India, Russia, Bangladesh etc had the disposable income we in the west have? It’s a marketers wet dream!

Coach: Well yes but how could we do that, I seem to have left my magic wand and book of spells back home in Kanas?

Ted: Well, sometime soon we’re going to have a proper iPod so we can abolish autos. I simply click on an app on my phone and a self-driving electric car arrives within minutes. On the app I put in my destination using What-Three-Words location and off I go. I arrive and the iPod tootles off to a charging station. For a one person trip I’d request an iPod but obviously for two or three passengers I’d request a multiPod..

Coach: Ermm I can see a slight fly in the ointment there Ted, I’m not exactly sure you can call it an iPod, I think a rather large corporation has already trademarked that name..

Ted: Can you imagine not having to pay for an auto, plus maintenance, tax, insurance, gasoline each year but only paying a pittance for convenient transport? And streets empty of parked cars? It’s a no-brainer.

Coach: What about all those car manufacturing jobs?

Ted: Isn’t it obvious? Switch to making iPods. Doh!

Coach: No private car ownership? What about the Queen, do you expect her to dial up an iPod when she has to do some queening?

Ted: Well, I suppose her Maj could have her own special car – or we could have all different models of iPods – who would have thought of THAT idea! We could have iPod for single person trips, multiPods for multi-person trips, holiPods for longer seaside trips and uber expensive poshPods for her Maj.
Coach: Well, this would help but this isn’t reducing current levels of CO2

Ted: Then we need Direct Air Capture, sucks carbon right out of the errrr…air!

Coach: Yes, I’ve heard of that but isn’t that be hugely expensive? Like …a trillion dollars to make an impact across the entire planet? Who’s going to pay that kind of money, everyone’s struggling as it is…?

Ted: The simple solution is quite obvious, isn’t it. We abolish all armies!

Coach: WTF!

Ted: Western nations in particular spent almost a trillion on defence last year, so there you have it, abolish armies, spend the money on direct air capture. Imagine if that money was spent on a huge Direct Air Capture facilities all over the planet, CO2 sucked out of the air and turned into rock or converted into more useful materials like roads and building materials?

Coach: But what about if another country was sneaky, didn’t abolish their army but kept quiet about it, wouldn’t they very quickly become a Superpower with only a few regiments of soldiers?

Ted: Already thought about that coach. Simple. There’s only one army allowed. The United Nations Army. If you want a glorious military career were, not just your home country salutes you but the entire world does, then you sign up for the UN Army, they become the guarantor of security throughout the world and it’s all under the jurisdiction of the UN. No more wars because the army isn’t going to fight itself!

Coach: Don’t be daft, what about communication, thousands and thousands of soldiers from all cultures, all speaking different languages?

Ted: Not a problem. During WWII American troops used Native Americans, known as Code Talkers, to encode messages as they could be pretty sure no enemies could speak that language. So we set a standard language for all UN troops that no-one can understand. I’d suggest cockney rhyming slang. Nobody in their right mind can understand cockney – plates of meat, apples and pears, dog and bone, it’s all just gibberish to anyone not in the know. Nudge nudge, wink wink..

Coach: OK I’m not entirely sure that’s feasible, any other bright ideas sparky?

Ted: Well, I have a controversial idea from the Roman Empire…

Coach: The Roman Empire! Have you lost your bleeding mind?? What have the Romans ever done for us?

Ted: Well, there’s the aqueduct, and sanitation, irrigation, medicine, education, wine, public baths and public order…