How are you with computers, are they always messing around with you, can you not bend them to your will, are you always losing work, should you be allowed access to a computer unsupervised – or even out unsupervised? You know the secret about computers? They are like horses, they know if you are a novice, they can sense it..
However, Computer equals horse theory, when I went to Egypt about a million years ago, they put me on a horse to go see the pyramids at Cairo and the horse looked at me and I looked at it and it knew I’d never sat on anything other than a wooden rocking horse before, so obviously it decided to play with me and took off like shit on a shovel with me holding on for dear life… apparently racing horses come from Arabian stock, I wish someone had explained that before I got on, I would have chosen a camel instead… or a donkey… and again, when I sat on on of those ponies going down the side of the Grand Canyon, same thing – the pony looked at me and thought, yup, we got a virgin here, let’s play with him and the bugger spent nearly all it’s time reaching down to eat clumps of grass on the edge of the track as I stared over the edge of the precipice and prayed to God, Allah, Buddha, Confucius and every deity I could think of..and perhaps it’s just the Universe trying to get its own back on me for being so mischievous… and computers are like that, they understand if you are not good at computers and immediately conspired to mess you about, you can almost see the thought bubbles “Aye yup, here comes sausage fingers… let’s play with him/her…” and they conspire to lose that email you just spent two hours writing out and hide that very important Excel Spreadsheet you had just a minute ago, but when ‘I’ sit at a computer it’s knows I’m not going to take any shit from it and therefore behaves…
So next time you use a computer, dress in black pizza stained teeshirt, drink Bolt cola, don’t wash for a week, grow a beard and the computer will behave and not shit you around… easy…eh?
And one last thing, the most important lesson, don’t anthropomorphize computers cuz they really hate that..