bookmark_borderDarwinism Disproven

photo

I think it’s time for me to collect yet another Nobel Prize as I have come up with final proof that Darwinism – whilst a lovely logical notion – is complete bollocks. I’ve been thinking about this for a while and I’ve come to realise that natural selection has a very obvious fatal flaw – or maybe that should be paw..

You see, according to natural selection the male of the species should get more colourful with each passing generation to attract the female of the species and pass on his genetic code. If one looks at the peacock then this would seem the obvious answer, the hen is plain but the male has developed this amazing fan tail of feathers and this is repeated across the bird kingdom, the only exception is the eclectus parrot where the female is multi-coloured but the male is plain green.

So, that seems simple and straight forward enough. But there’s a problem with that theory. You see, if that was the case then most human males would look remarkably more like little furry puppies with each passing generation.

Perhaps I should explain. I’ve doggie-sat occasional for friends and taken dogs for nice long walks in the park and without exception the female of our species will always come over and talk to the doggie and even stroke it’s tum if given half a chance. They pretty much ignore me but the mutt get’s them coo-ing endlessly. Ironically, puppies are like female cat-nip.

So, according to natural selection men should be by now at least a little bit furry, have big shiny eyes, floppy ears, a wet nose and pant a lot. Now I know that some men are heading that way, I pant a lot when I see an attractive woman and the urge to hump her leg doggie style is almost overwhelming but I resist the urge. One of my friends is indeed very hairy – his wife says it’s like sleeping with a Werewolf, but generally looking around at the male of the species I think it’s never going to happen, I seriously doubt that a million generations down the line that we’re all going to look like Scooby Do.

I wonder when I can collect my Nobel Prize?

bookmark_borderThe Cat’s Version of The Rules

cute cat funny

BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.

DOORS: Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get the door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an “outside” door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.

CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as long as a human’s bare foot.

HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some activity, and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called “helping,” otherwise known as “hampering.” Following are the rules for hampering:

  1. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
  2. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book — unless you can lie across the book itself.
  3. When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen, and then lay in human’s lap across arms, hampering typing in progress.

WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around.

LITTER BOX: When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.

HIDING: Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses, and you probably will get a treat.

ONE LAST THOUGHT: Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face, turn around, and present your butt to them. Humans love this, so do it often. And don’t forget the guests.

bookmark_borderTo dunk or not to dunk, that is the question..

Careful..
Careful..

There was a FASCINATING thread on mumsnet last week that one of my friends alerted me to, I have copied parts of the thread below for your enjoyment, the full thread is here;

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnet_classics/1875847-Do-you-dunk-your-penis

Enjoy.

Do you dunk your penis?
(1001 Posts)
SaraCrewe Tue 08-Oct-13 09:16:47

I considered name changing for this, but, fuck it.

We have a dedicated post-sex cleanup area on the bedside table. A box of tissues, a small bin, and a beaker of clean water for temporary cleaning/dunking while the bathroom is occupied by me.

Apparently our penis beaker is strange and not the done thing.

Does everyone else just lay there in a sticky post coital glow until morning? Really?

———————————————————————————————————-

This was rapidly followed by the following 1001 responses, yes, seriously, 1001, the default limit the system can handle and it went viral, made the newpapers websites all over the world here and here and here and here and even twitter got in on the act

——————————————————————————————————–

No. We have a normal bedside table. With books and a lamp.
Not a sex clean up bit!

——————————-

Have never heard of this. And used to be quite the harlot, so really think I would have seen in, if it were a common thing. But maybe my tastes just run to the unwashed…?

Has there ever been a midnight mixup with a glass of drinking water?

Am waiting in fascination to see rest of responses.

—————————-

SaraCrewe Tue 08-Oct-13 09:24:07

No I’m not a troll. I have only ever slept with my H and we’ve always done this! Might have started when we were teens and couldn’t make a dash to the bathroom in our parents houses.

Luckily my drinking water is in a sports bottle!! grin

——————–

You’ve just had sex so I assume you are on fairly intimate terms. Even if you have an acid fanjo and his sperm is nine tenths itching powder, surely you can use the bathroom at the same time? You can wash your fanjo in the bath and he can scrub his cock in the sink.

—————-

grin!! No! I bidet and he showers in the same room together at the same time!! if we can be bothered

I’d hate to get the spermy beaker mixed up with the squash beaker in the middle of the night grin

—————-

SaraCrewe Tue 08-Oct-13 09:29:34

I don’t think he wants to spring off the bed but doesn’t want to sit there sticky, so I dash off to pee while he does his temporary clean. I am sure at least one other person will come along and say they do something like this, I am sure.

—————

OP your penis dunking bedside beaker is odd.

You see another day and I’m blessed with another sentence I never thought I’d say.

I love MN.

—————–

SaraCrewe Tue 08-Oct-13 09:37:33

I really thought if I was going to find anyone who agreed with me it would be on mumsnet. Sigh.

I refuse to believe not one other person cleans up while still in bed. Maybe not a beaker but a bowl? Baby wipes?
———————

No dunking beaker in our house, we must be scummers. I’m fascinated to know how you discivered this wasn’t the done thing? Have you been discussing this in real life Sara?

———————-
SaraCrewe Tue 08-Oct-13 09:47:33

It was him warning his mate not to make squash in said sex beaker that outed us IRL. So if he gets stick it’s his own fault. I used it as my pee beaker while TTC too, poor, abused beaker.

—————

No never heard of this and how often do you wash the beaker? Do you put it in the dishwasher?

—————–

Do you have it all on a tray covered with a small cloth and uncover it in a manner of a priest uncovering the communion wine & wafers?

bookmark_borderLondon 2012: an etiquette guide for Olympics visitors

It’s Olympic time and therefore I think most of our pending visitors need a simple guide to UK etiquette, you may think this is tongue in cheek but it’s deadly serious – as every Londoner will sadly testify..

Welcome, and before we begin – please accept our apologies. Your four-hour nightmare wait at passport control should not be taken as a symptom of Britain’s contempt for foreigners or even revenge for the TSA.. It is merely a symptom of a woeful lack of spending on a key aspect of travel infrastructure in the run-up to a hugely important event. In other words, it’s not us Londoners who hate you, it’s the government that hates you. Don’t worry, they hate us too.

Please also accept our apologies for Boris Johnston, the London Mayor. We know he gives good interviews on US chat shows but he really is a upper class bumbling twit who shouldn’t be left in charge of an icecream van let alone a city of over seven million. We are also very sorry about Tony Blair. We aren’t sure what happened there. Think it was something about hanging chads – or was that his mate George – we have difficulty telling them apart. Oh and we apologise about inflicting Piers Morgan on all of America but we REALLY don’t want him back.

Canadians: I’m afraid that while you are here you will be repeatedly mistaken for Americans and blamed for all sorts of stuff you had nothing to do with. Unless you can think of a quick and simple way to distinguish yourselves at a glance –  I’m a Canadian, HUG me t-shirt? Maple leaf eyepatch? – then you are just going to have to suck it up.

Americans: While you’re here, why not pretend to be Canadian? Very few Britons can tell the difference, and it will allow you to rescue yourself from awkward conversations about the death penalty and the National Rifle Ass. (The capital of Canada is Ottawa and there are ten provinces in Canada incase you get tested!) (PS if you can pronounce Saskatchewan correctly then you are not Canadian.)

• Under no circumstances should you ask your taxi driver how excited he is about having the Olympics in London this summer. It’s not that he will be reluctant or embarrassed to offer a personal opinion on the matter. That is not the problem at all. Your ears will be bleeding by the end of the conversation. Actually, just don’t ask your taxi driver anything other than “Can you take me to my hotel” and “How much is that?”. PS Cabbies don’t accept American Express, no matter what the commercials tell ya..

• You will repeatedly hear that the East End of London, where the bulk of the Olympic events are being held, is an “up and coming” area. You may wonder what this odd English expression means when applied to your immediate surroundings. You are quite right to. The slum demolishing program started pre-war is running slightly behind schedule.

• Nobody here can answer any questions you have about fencing. Google it.

• Pay no attention to those bow-tied etiquette experts you sometimes see on CNN International, telling you how to behave while in Britain. These people are generally of dubious provenance, normally live in California and tend to peddle advice that is either irrelevant or out of date. For example, they will often say that Britons love queuing and are so fond of apologising that they will often say “sorry” even when something isn’t their fault. In reality, Britons are just as likely to jump to the front of a queue and then punch the person behind them for coughing. It all depends on how muggy it is.

• British people may seem to apologise a lot, but it doesn’t quite mean the same thing here. In the UK, “I’m sorry” actually means either a) I didn’t hear you; b) I didn’t understand you; or c) I both heard and understood you, and I think you’re an idiot.

• You might expect locals to be, in the circumstances, a bit defensive about the weather. But it’s true: it really doesn’t rain like this every summer. This is exceptional, which is why it’s so cold in your hotel room. There aren’t normally this many soldiers in the streets either. No, honestly.

• Britons love bleak humour: that’s why all the hire bikes are branded with the name of a bank currently being investigated for fixing interest rates. It’s supposed to be funny. London’s bike hire scheme couldn’t be simpler, by the way: just go up to the terminal at any docking station, pay by card and take away one of our so-called “Boris bikes”. When you’re done with it, simply throw it into the nearest canal. They’re disposable!

• If you have arrived early, you might just be lucky enough to catch a glimpse of the final leg of the Olympic torch relay. Or you might be at a riot. Ask yourself the following questions: are there lots of people holding flames, or just one? Is everybody running in the right direction? Does the nearest branch of Foot Locker appear to be having the craziest sale ever?

• None of us is officially allowed to speak to members of the foreign press. We have all been instructed to avoid eye contact while referring your queries to a team of dedicated information managers who don’t really exist. The same policy applies to ministers from totalitarian states and anyone who turns up at the airport with a camel.

• Do not ask a policeman the best way to get to the West End or how to use an Oyster card. He wants to help, but he’s been drafted in from the West Midlands and is even more lost than you.

Please aid the Olympic authorities and organisers by demonstrating at all times that you are not a terrorist. Do not perspire, take off your shoes, smile in a weird way while texting someone, or point and shout: “Hey! Look at all those missiles on that roof over there!” In fact, if you’re not using your hands for anything, it’s probably best if you keep them in the air where everybody can see them.

bookmark_borderThe Pizza Dilemma

TombStone? A not so subtle hint.

When I worked as a nurse on ICU part of the job included patient education with regards towards a healthier life, so we’d try educating patients about giving up alcohol and smoking, explaining the statistics about quality and length of life. A common response back from the patients was “it’s not that you actually live longer – it just seems it, you suck all the joy out of life, no fags, no drink…of course your life is going to seem longer.. a LOT bleeding longer!”

I have some sympathy with my ex-patients, you see, I’ve been trying to eat healthy recently, trying to cut down on sugars and fats; no more cakes, biscuits, pizza, chips, pies etc and now I know just how my patients felt, it’s not like I’m going to live longer…it just seems like it…a long dreary existence… kill me now.

You see, culturally, I come from the land that considers eating five different coloured M&M’s as part of your ‘five a day’, a land that has taken Nutella to it’s heart (literally), a land than considers dipping Mars bars in batter and deep frying them in lard a healthy snack, a land that considers anything with the word ‘die’ in it to be avoided…like diet and dieticians.

So, I’ve decided to do a bit of research and have come up with a scientifically valid diet, it’s the ice-cream diet, also known as the Gelato diet. You see, ask any scientist about calories and heat and they will tell you quite seriously that it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree centigrade. Therefore, if you eat ice-cream or Gelato then your body will warm it up to body temperature and the only source of calories is in your fat stores so your will use up calories.

Let’s explore this a bit further,  if you consume 100g of ice-cream then for your body to bring that from 0.0C  to body temperature of 37C then that’s 100g times 32C which equals 3,200 calories used to raise your ice-cream to body temperature. Now, the average portion of ice-cream is probably closer to 200g rather than 100g so that’s 6,400 calories used up but of course there are sugars etc in ice-cream and on average you are talking about 1,200 calories but we’ll say that on balance, with every average portion of ice-cream you will use up roughly 5,000 calories.

This works equally as well with cold beer, if you go out drinking every evening then you will lose weight. There’s roughly 16 fluid ounces to a pint and if you do the maths then you lose roughly 1,000 calories with each ounce as long as it’s chilled and served from a frosted glass, so in a pint of beer you actually lose 15,000 calories allowing for the calories already in the beer.

Sadly this diet only works with foods and liquids colder than your body, it doesn’t work for pizza which is usually served above body temperature – except obviously during the next morning when you find some left over pizza in the carton and then it’s healthy as it’s cooler than body temperature.  But there is a solution to the pizza dilemma, you see, we all like to go out and eat pizza but don’t want to wait until the morning to eat vast quantities of cold pizza so the obvious solution is to either drink lots of beer with your (hot) pizza and eat lots of ice-cream afterwards. Dilemma solved. My diet starts tomorrow. I wonder if I’ll get the Nobel Prize for this?

bookmark_borderYoutube Statistics

Been looking at youtube stats.

Dogs – about 737,000 results
Cats – about 548,000 results

but conversely;

Funny cats – about 316,000 results
Funny dogs – about 212,000 results

and noticed something odd, there are many more dog videos than cat videos but there are many more funny cat videos than dog videos and I wonder why this is, could it be because dogs just aren’t as funny as cats or is it that dogs just need a better publicist. You decide.

Dogs 49,158,662 views

Cats 55,779,920 views


Personally I think this is the funniest;

1 view.
but then I’m weird.

bookmark_borderHappy 4th July America.

This was doing the rounds on the internet way back in 2000 when GW Bush was trying his best to steal the US election. I think I’ll file it under humour.

To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.

Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair MP, for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections.

The House of Representatives and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminium.” Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour’; skipping the letter ‘U’ is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters.

You will end your love affair with the letter ‘Z’ (pronounced ‘zed’ not ‘zee’) and the suffix “ize” will be replaced by the suffix “ise.”

You will learn that the suffix ‘burgh’ is pronounced ‘burra’ e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you can’t cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary.” Using the same thirty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “uhh”, “like”, and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

Look up “interspersed.”

There will be no more ‘bleeps’ in the Jerry Springer show. If you’re not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn’t have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won’t have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as “US English.” We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of “-ize.”

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn’t that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).

You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents — Scottish dramas such as “Taggart” will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.

While we’re talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is “Devon.” If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become “shires” e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

British sit-coms such as “Men Behaving Badly” or “Red Dwarf” will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can’t cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness. Popular British films such as the Italian Job and the Wicker Man should never be remade.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American “football.” There are other types of football such as Rugby, Aussie Rules & Gaelic football. However proper football – which will no longer be known as soccer, is the best known, most loved and most popular. What you refer to as American “football” is not a very good game.

The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays “American” football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies)

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the ‘World Series’ for a game which is not played outside of North America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls’ game called “rounders,” which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don’t believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. The 4th of July is no longer a public holiday. The 2nd of November will be a new national holiday, but only in Britain. It will be called “Indecisive Day.”

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call ‘French fries’ are not real chips. Fries aren’t even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called “crisps.” Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.

Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling “beer” is not actually beer at all, it is lager . From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as “beer,” and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as “Lager.” The substances formerly known as “American Beer” will henceforth be referred to as “Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine,” with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as “Weak Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine.” This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From the 10th of November the UK will harmonise petrol (or “gasoline,” as you will be permitted to keep calling it until the 1st of April) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon — get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.

bookmark_borderNot so obvious suggestions?

Think you better try Plan Bee

So,  I blogged earlier about Facebook and it’s facial recognition system and how it would be a good idea if we could install that software into our own heads so we never forget a face, the amount of times I’ve been to meetings and parties and I can’t remember someones name… well, it’s getting worse as I get older…  but then I was thinking, what other good ideas are there out there, things that makes you wonder why no-one hasn’t thought of them before…

When driving on a long journey are you worried about falling asleep?  Well, there is now a simple cure; put a bee or a wasp in the car and keep the windows closed. Come on, we all know that for the next 12 hours you are going to do nothing but flap your hands around the place but there is an added benefit because if you accelerate really fast then this will keep throwing the bee to the back of the car and you get to your destination quicker.  It’s basically a win-win situation, maybe not for the bee but for the driver. At petrol stations you could have another little pump that that you fill up with wasps or bee’s depending upon your preference and one of those little hand held pump dispensers filled with jam so you can top up with jam too.

But a word of warning,  I was in a small car years ago with a friend who hated bee’s and wasps, so obviously one got in and I’m telling you, this guy was huge and the wasp was tiny compared to him but he panicked and nearly  drove his car into the path of an oncoming truck, not only did I see his arms flashing about in front of my eyes but I also saw my life flashing before my eyes, after we narrowly avoided that he practically jumped out of the car whilst we were still doing 30 MPH!

So, what else? Well, how about walking boots with Sat Nav?  I know you can get running shoes that connect to all sorts of gizmo’s like the Garmin SatNav but what about shoes with built-in SatNav so they could walk you home when you’re drunk and you would never get lost, or you could program them to take you on the scenic route to work on random days, and you’d never knew exactly when you are about to go on a magical mystery tour – over a cliff.

Then what about nicely flavoured envelopes, I don’t know about you lot but every time I have to seal an envelope before posting it I always go yuck at the gum, how about some nice sweet tasting gum. Of course there is a chance that your kids will sneak in when you aren’t looking and lick all the gum off – or your dog – and then you have non-stick envelopes but it’s worth a shot.

And what about a  one way system in supermarkets, how many times have you been caught in a shopping cart traffic jam in the aisle, lets just sort that out once and for all, enforce a one way system and even put traffic police at the end of the aisle, and if you forget something then you have to go back to the start and begin again.

Then what about car windscreen wipers that keeps to the beat of what ever’s playing on your car radio, that would be much more fun, you might even begin to enjoy a drive in the rain.. and blinkers/indicators that bleep/flash in time to your music…

And what about a standardised Chinese takeaway menu’s so they all had the use the exact same numbers for the same food, that way you can ring up any Chinese takeaway and order in full confidence, you would know, no matter what Chinese you rang up that all you have to do is bark  number 13, 23 and 42 down the phone and you’d know exactly what you are getting..

And finally, what about venetian blinds trousers, if it gets too hot then pull a string and viola, the blinds open up to let the breeze blow in, and this doesn’t have to be restricted to trousers, it can be any item of clothes, your shirt, jumper, teeshirt, even your shorts if you are feeling really brave – or hot. Oh and what about crossing a hamster with a mole, then you have a family pet that when it dies it’s already buried itself.. Yeah, I know, I’m sick!

bookmark_borderCDC: Preparedness 101: Zombie Apocalypse

Don't worry, the CDC has got your back, your arm, your legs, your brains..

Ever wondered how do I prepare for a zombie apocalypse? I’m pretty sure that’s a question that keeps you awake at night. Fear no more, the nice people at Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta have got it all under control, I thought this was a fake or a wind up but apparently not, obviously they have a Zombie issue down there..

http://emergency.cdc.gov/socialmedia/zombies_blog.asp

Nice to know how our ..ermm your tax dollars are being spent..

bookmark_borderBirth pains?

(Let’s have some fun)

Was chatting to a (female) friend this morning about whether men are better at handling pain or woman are better. I was present at the birth of my two beasties and let me tell you, pain? pain? child birth is nothing compared to how hard my hand was squeezed!, I spent twelve hours in that labour room having my hands squeezed so hard that it almost brought tears to my eyes!! No epidural for me, no gas & air, no general anaesthetic for me, pushing something the size of a watermelon out’a yer jacksie is nothing compared to the pain my hands went through, I had to stand there and take it like a man and here’s the thing, you woman think child birth is painful but let me ask you this, how many woman complain about childbirth but immediately want to get pregnant again, it’s so painful that they are happy to say “I’d like another…!”  and have you ever heard a man say to you “wow, that kick in the bollocks was great, I’d like to do that again!!” no, never, because getting kicked in the gonads is ‘much’ more painful than childbirth..

Don’t you agree ladies??

😉

OK OK! you know I’m not serious!

bookmark_borderUniversally Challenged?

Was listening to the radio this morning and there was a competition on, the bloke who had called in needed to answer five general knowledge questions to win a trip to Norway.

Question one was ‘what other name are the Aurora Borealis known as?’. Amazingly the bloke didn’t know the answer, I’m shouting at the radio thinking the stupid bugger is going to somehow hear me, as thick as two short planks as we’d say at home, (actually we’re more likely say as thick as champ but you lot won’t understand that one), if you were that bloke on the radio this morning, here’s a clue, the answer’s in the title of this well known (in the UK) song..

We seem to have our fair share of dimwits this side of the pond which is a bit ironic as the Irish are considered the butt of stupid jokes in much the same way the Polish are in the States. On ‘Perfect Recall’ a contestant was asked “which Duke resides at Woburn Abbey?” and he answered “Hazard” (ouch!), and a lottery quiz contestant finished Eamonn Holmes’s question of “there are three states of matter: solid, liquid and . . .” with the word: “jelly”.

A possibly apocryphal story about an Australian radio ‘Mr and Mrs’ style quiz. Young wife is asked the rather personal question “Where did your husband last make love with you?”, the husband having previously answered “In the kitchen”. Young wife giggles nervously and says she couldn’t possibly say on the radio, her mum might be listening. The host persists, pointing out the incredibly generous prize on offer if she answers correctly. Nervous wife finally answers “Oh alright then, in my ass”…

And from the very same programme featuring a young, obviously excited/nervous newly-wed couple as contestants. In an effort to relax them the host asked them about their wedding and then moved onto the honeymoon from which they’d just returned.
“Did you enjoy it?” the kindly host enquired.
“Oh, yes” came the reply from the excited bride, “Every inch of it!”
(Cue collapse into hysterical laughter of host and audience).

We had 3-2-1 years ago with Ted Rogers asking;

What is a Bison ? is it

a) a north American animal
b) a hatstand
c) something you wash your hands in

The contestant answered c) and lost.

(If you say ‘bison’ with a very posh accent you will understand why the contestant choose something you wash your hands in..)

From Cross-Country Quiz in Ireland back in the eighties, if not the seventies, where the contestants were chosen at random from the audience:

Q: Where is the Taj Mahal?
A: Across the road from the Dental Hospital

True, because back in the day it was a famous Dublin landmark – the restaurant, that is, and was indeed situated across the road from the Dental Hospital. And this is funny..

But best answer was on Jeopardy in the States, the question was along the lines of “This garden implement is also a promiscuous person.” Correct answer – rake. Answer given – ho.
(Completely valid answer. Should have accepted it, actually.)

We have a long running quiz show on the telly once a week, University Challenge. Two teams of four University students take part and some of the questions can be a bit challenging. It’s been running since ?1962.

WONDERFUL accents that could cut glass.. and did you notice some members of the audience were smoking pipes?

The quiz is known primarily for two things these days:

1) The extreme difficulty of the questions compared to most game shows, to the point where among many people, getting one right in an episode is a point of pride
2) The rather irascible temperament of the current host Jeremy Paxman

During a 2007 quarter-final between the University of Manchester and Oxford, teams were asked “Which distribution emits a probability density function f (x) equals 1 over square root of 2 pi times e to the power of minus x squared divided by 2?” The Manchester captain Kieran Lavin very deliberately asked “Could you repeat the question please?” and amidst the laughter Jeremy Paxman adamantly said “No!”

However, not all questions are so high brow, during one episode Paxman asked the teams, ‘The names ‘Cheesemongers’, ‘CherryPickers’, ‘Bob’s Own’, ‘The Emperor’s Chambermaids’ and ‘The Immortals’ are or have been used for which groups of men?’ One unfortunate contestant buzzed in and said, “Homosexuals”.

Paxman’s (somewhat shocked) response was, “No! They’re regiments in the British Army – and they’re going to be very upset with you!” I suspect adding in The Gay Gordons would have muddied the waters further..

And then there was this classic;

Jeremy Paxman: “Thuma, Towcher, Long-man, Lech-man, and Little-man are Old and Middle English names for which parts of the human body?”
Contestant from Kings School of Medicine and Dentistry: “Penis?”.
(The correct answer is fingers’)
Paxman: You’re a medical student! How many penises did they teach you we have nowadays?

bookmark_borderDoing The Funky Chicken

Ok, I thought this was funny, something I was reading in a book whilst enjoying the sunshine today, I laughed but your mileage may vary.

Rolls-Royce in Derby has this wonderful way of testing their jet engines against bird strikes, they have a huge cannon which fires chickens from the local supermarket at the jet turbine engines when they are going full blast to make sure every engine can survive an air strike at top speed. So, a number of things occur to me here, do they get free range chicken or cheap crap ones, and do they remove the giblets before firing then into the jet engine and if a chicken makes it way through unscathed does it get to fly away free as a bird..  OK OK I know they are shop chickens but still, I have a wonderful image going through my head now ‘fly free…fly free little birdy…I mean family sized corn fed chicken.”

However, in this book the writer was saying that Rolls-Royce’s main competitors heard about the chicken firing cannon and built one themselves to test their engines too. So everything was set up and they had this magnificent cannon and filled it with a couple of chickens, started up one of their jet engines and fired the cannon and there was a God Almighty explosion and their engine came apart in a million pieces, flames and parts going everywhere and everyone ran for cover.

So the engineers rechecked all their setting, they were stumped as to why a few chickens could cause so much damage, they checked wind speed, ballistics, speed of rotors, angle of impact and they just couldn’t figure out why their engines exploded while Rolls-Royce’s engines remained intact. They scratched their heads in puzzlement ……but then the man firing the cannon asked, “Next time, should I defrost the chickens?”

I burst out laughing at that line and got strange looks from everyone in the park.

bookmark_borderPaperback Raita

Pass the yoghurt please. And the lip balm.

In America, whenever a shop closes, it is invariably replaced by a Starbucks, I know this to be true because I saw it on the Simpson’s. However, in Tooting, south-west London, whenever a shop closes down, it is invariably replaced with an Indian restaurant.

I’m mentioning this because I was just out getting some bits ‘n pieces and noticed that the last independent proper Italian pizza parlour has closed down, the green, white and red outside décor is now gone and it’s now red all over and sporting some Asian name that I can’t get my Irish tongue around.

We still have the chain Pizza Huts and Dominios pizza but after eating proper hand made pizza’s for the last 20 years I just can’t eat the chain muck. So we have ermm David Wongs Chinese restaurant and ermmm that’s about it, apart from a zillion Indian restaurants.

I’m not complaining too much but there are certain ramifications to living in a Pizza/Pasta/Thai/French/Vietnamese/Japanese free zone; number one is that there is no know curry available today that I, or my rear end, can’t handle, I know that’s not really going to get me a job anywhere so putting that on a CV isn’t really going to help – unless of course I apply for chief curry tester at Pataks, a role I seem to have been preparing for during the last 25 years in London, but the other thing is that most of these Indian restaurants are not staffed by Asians but by Polish waiters. This is because of second generation effect, the first generation worked in the family restaurant but the second generation went to University and are lawyers, doctors or increasingly, accountants, so getting someone to work in the family restaurant is becoming difficult. Now when I use my slang Gujarati in the restaurants I just get blank stares.

I was at an Indian restaurant the other night and thought I would try out some of my old Gujarati on the staff there but same thing, maybe it’s the Irish accent, so to check I told them a few of my Indian jokes, what’s the top five songs in the New Delhi charts these days?

Poppadum Preach – Madonna
Tikka Chance On Me – Abba
I Don’t Want To Dansak – Eddie Grant
Jalfrezi Jalfrezi Nights – Kiss
Things Can Only Get Bhuna – D:Ream

The bloke behind the counter laughed (but didn’t give me any discount) and I’m thinking of taking my act elsewhere!  Paperback Raita – Beatles, didn’t even do it but at least I got a smile out of him but he did tell me this funny story. A customer kept asking him to turn the air conditioning up and down every half an hour because he was either too hot or too cold, and this went on for the entire meal, he walked back and forth and adjusted the temp controller in the back, and remained calm and never once got angry. So eventually another customer asked him why didn’t he just throw the pest out. To which he replied “Oh, I really don’t care or mind, we don’t actually have an air conditioner…” Teeheehee

bookmark_borderMeeting The Dreaded Parents..

 

You need to read this with a very upper class English accent.. Years ago I went to a girlfriends parents house for the dreaded first meeting but this family was very posh and I was warned on pain of death that I had to be on best behaviour.

So Sunday comes, we drive down to Hampshire and I meet the parents, June and Peter. All very polite and proper, shakes hands and invited into the drawing room. Sitting down and my stomach doesn’t feel too well, the night before I had a big curry at the local curry house and I was feeling the effects about now..

Anyway, I’m sitting there getting politely grilled by her father when I start to feel the tummy rumble and “wind” build up, I sat there holding this in squirming uncomfortably and trying to be polite.

Just then Jess the dog came in, I rubbed her on the head and she sat down by my feet.  Well, time progressed, the wind built up and eventually I thought I’d have to let a sneaky one off or I’d die. I relaxed a bit planning to drop a silent one but unfortunately there was a loud “Paarrhhh”

I tried not to look too guilty or shame faced.

However, June immediately got up and shouted “Jess! Jess! Come HERE, how awful!!”  Jess just ignored her, probably thinking what’s that interesting smell?

I thought this is great as I can fart away with impunity here and the dog will get the blame!

So half an hour later I felt the rumbling again and I had no hesitation in letting go..”Paaarrrrppphhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”

And once again June jumped up and shouted ” Jess! Jess! Come HERE, how awful!!”

Well, this was great, I could fart away with impunity and the dog got kicked so I sat back, made myself comfortable, drank the earl grey tea (yuck!) and scoffed the biscuits..

So anyway, another half an hour later and I was raring to go again but this time it was a mixture of old curry, lots of earl grey and bourbon biscuits, so I sat there and went “PPPPAAAAAAAAArrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrhhhhhhhhhhPPPPPPPPPP”

To which June jumped up and shouted;

“Jess!  Jess! for Christ’s sake !!……. would you come over here before he shits on you!”

————————————-

Ok, I might have made ALL of that up! 😛  (but I do enjoy telling it at parties!)

 

Image  from – http://www.motifake.com/image/demotivational-poster/1004/ahem-dog-demotivational-poster-1271458847.png

bookmark_borderA load of balls

When I was working on A&E (ER) as a nurse, we had this bloke come in unconscious and naked, he was found by his flatmate who called the ambulance. We checked him over and he had a huge bash on the top of his head (he was bald) but rather unusually he had scratch marks and a small amount of fresh bleeding around his testicles..

We thought this was a weird one, we’ve had some strange cases in A&E like the bloke with the badly injured penis, he claimed he accidentally managed to umm suck his penis up the vacuum spout when he was hoovering, well, that’s what he claimed but we did eye him *somewhat* suspiciously.. I didn’t know it was normal practice to hoover your home naked..in winter..I’ve obviously been doing it all wrong.. and we had a bloke who *fell* onto a toilet cleaning brush instead of falling onto the toilet when drunk and managed to ‘wreck his rectum’ to some suppressed titters from us lot of unbelievers outside the cubicle.. and the amount of folk that accidentally sit on satsumas is amazing…well, they ought to be banned really, they are such a hazard to health…and one bloke managed to get a small light bulb up and around the corner of his rectum… we made copies of the x-ray, it was on the wall of the doctors mess for years..

Anyway, this bloke with the bump and the bleeding testicles.. eventually he regained consciousness and told us his story.. It transpires that he had just finished having a bath and when he got out and dried himself he noticed a scum mark around the bath, so still naked, he got out some bath cleaner and proceeded to lean over and clean his bath.. Whilst he was scrubbing away, his new kitten came into the bathroom, saw his testicles swinging in the breeze and made a lunge for them and dug it’s claws in, he screamed in agony and jumped up suddenly and bashed his head on the medicine cupboard and knocked himself out…

(you might be surprised at just how much of this post is actually true! ;p )

bookmark_borderCrimes and misdemeanors (part four)

There's something fishy going on here...

OK, not sure really if I should confess to this but bugger it, no-one knows where I live, not even me sometimes.

When I was 24 and still living in Northern Ireland I used to go along to my mates Trevor’s house and give him a lift to his footie match on Saturday mornings and support his team.

However, one Saturday morning as I was waiting for him to get his football boots on in the kitchen I spotted that his goldfish, Robert, was lying upside down in his bowl. I said to Trevor and he sighed but went and got a net and fished Robert out. I asked him what he was going to do with Robert and he said he was just going to flush him down the toilet and I told him the decent thing to do would be to bury poor Robert at the bottom of the garden….poor poor Robert..

So Trevor sighs again and moans about being late for the match but  goes get a little trowel, digs a little hole in the garden, buries Robert and off we go to the footie match quite late. (I did ask him if he was going to say a few words but he gave me that ‘go fuck yourself’ look..)

You are probably thinking Robert is a funny name for a goldfish but think about it – if you are called Robert then everyone calls you Bob..  geddit?? Bob..Bob..Bob…

We get there and the teams are still kicking the balls around in pre-match warm-up, the referee delayed the start of the match waiting for Trevor, he didn’t want to play 11 vs 10 aside.  Trevor joins in but I wait by the side line and the referee comes on, he is a bit annoyed about Trevor being late and I have a word with the ref…..  well…when I say a word….I might have embroidered the truth slightly..

So, the ref…  oh dear..  I don’t know if I can tell you this.. so the ref calls both teams together for kick-off but before he does that he brings both teams into a tight circle and explains to everyone that the reason Trevor was late was because he received tragic news this morning of a family bereavement, that one of his distant family members – Robert – had suddenly passed away.  It seems that not only was Robert a great sportsman and apparently he was an excellent swimmer too!

So the two teams stood together for a minutes silence for poor Robert whilst Trevor choked back fits of laughter and looked over at me absolutely wetting myself on the side-lines.

I’m going to hell, aren’t I?

bookmark_borderAnnoying the annoying (part trios)

A few years ago I was at Sainsbury’s (Walmark clone) at about 9.30pm when I heard this commotion down at the Helpdesk, naturally *never* being one to miss a brawl I made my way to the front desk and there was a fellow Irish woman creating hell with the store staff. She was getting very irate with the staff and she was shouting and arguing with them, she was extremely drunk and was trying to buy more booze and then of course she started cursing and swearing at the receptionist and the other staff at the desk when they refused to sell her more alcohol..

Everyone was looking and I have to confess that I took a sudden and fascinating interest in the display of beans that just happened to be right beside the Helpdesk …as you do 😉

So this woman was really losing it, she obviously had come out from the bar across the road and was cursing away like a trooper, so eventually two security guys came up and tried to remove her but she started accusing them of assault and giving them abuse too, she was tiny and these two huge guys just lifted her under her armpits and dragged her outside the store dumping her on the pavement..

So things kind’a settled down, she stood outside shouting abuse at the staff and security men but by the time I had paid for my shopping she had stopped shouting but was pestering everyone coming into the store to buy her some booze..and the security guys were standing by the Helpdesk keeping an eye on her..

So… never one to miss an opportunity to stir things up with a great big stick…..as I walked past her I quietly said to her, “Here love, see those big fellas in there, they’re telling everyone what an eejit you are..” and she said “WOT???…BASTARDS!!” and I walked off quickly as she ran into the store and threw herself at the guards!!.. I heard the shouts and cursing all the way down the road…..it was great..she was so tiny and those guys huge but she laid into them again..cursing and swearing and giving them a right earful ..

I’m sorry, I know it was probably wrong but red rag + bull…. I’m going to Hell, aren’t I?

bookmark_borderPop Quiz (part deux)

Which muppet are you most like?

 

Which muppet are you most like?

Do foreigners understand English better if you speak to them using their accent?

Whom do you know that is most likely to have been abducted by aliens?

In a horror movie, would you be one of the victims or one of the survivors?

In a beehive, would you be the Queen bee or one of the workers??

Do you walk under ladders, run with scissors, step on cracks in the pavement?

What is your all time fav movie?

If you were an evil mastermind whom had captured James Bond, would you place him out of vision in a complex slow moving laser deathtrap or just shot him by yourself ?

Is James Bond a sex addict or just a slut?

If you had to defuse a bomb, which colour wire would you cut, Red, Blue or Yellow or would you just go ‘eeney, meeney, miney, moe?

If you could be invisible for an hour each day, what would you do?

If you had a theme song what would it be, and if it was played every time you walked into a room would that affect your choice?

If you had to go either rock climbing, sky diving, hang gliding or bungee jumping, which would you choose?

bookmark_borderAssault and Pepper

Pass the salt please. No thank you, I already have pepper.

Colorado State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the Dillon, Breckenridge, and Keystone area.

The Colorado State Dept. of Wildlife advise you to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on clothing to alert bears to your presence & carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear. People should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries. Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and smell of pepper spray.

bookmark_borderVan The Man (part deux)

Royal Albert Hall

Went to see Van Morrison here in the Albert Hall last year, oops I mean in 2009, really nice setting, he did his Astral Weeks album and a lot of his more ‘commercial’ songs. The thing I don’t understand is that even though I ran errands for him as a nipper, I still had problems understanding his lyrics, for example, I think I got nearly every single word wrong in Brown Eyed Girl or Brown I’ded Gurl as we pronounce it at home, I always thought the ‘Hey where did we go?’ was ‘Hey Rodreigo!’ and my friend thought it was ‘Hey there, Amigo.’ and we’re Irish so God knows what you lot thought the lyrics were.

Crap, seems you have to watch these vids on youtube 🙁

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q6-dp6RkEY8

Mind you, it wasn’t just Van Morrison I got completely wrong, I sang a completely different song to Queens Bohemian Rhapsody, I thought Freddy Mercury was singing “Spare him his life from his one sausage tea”, I’m not even going to write the original lyrics to that line as it seems I’m the only one with cloth ears here.

And ABC’s (Yes, I ‘am’ that old!) “When Smokey sings, I hear violence.” It was only years later that I found it it was “When Smokey sings, I hear violins”, in my head I saw Smokey The Bear singing and Martin Fry beating the crap out of him…. thought that was a strange thing to include in a nice happy song…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3N6PYNRF8mg

bookmark_borderOnly the Irish ;)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, “I’ve got some bad news for you…you have the cancer and it can’t be cured. I’d give you two weeks to a month.” Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor’s office into the waiting room.

There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, “Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t so well. I have cancer and I’ve been given a short time to live. Let’s head for the pub and have a few pints.”

After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less sombre. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy’s old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad… He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends “I’ve only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with
Herpes.” The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, Murphy’s son leaned over and whispered his confusion, “Dad I thought you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from Herpes?”

Murphy said, “I am dying from cancer son, I just don’t want any of them sleeping with your mother.”

bookmark_borderNew meanings for old words..

Paradox; Two physicians.
Cantaloupe;  Gotta get married in a church.
Postoperative;  A mailman or letter carrier.
Recovery room; Place to do upholstery.
Counterfeiters; Workers who install kitchen cabinets.
Medieval;  Not completely wicked.
Hamlet; Son of Piglet
Tooth; The ordinal number for two.
Artery;  The study of paintings.
Carnation; Country where each citizen owns an automobile  ie USA
Colander; Someone who arrives with you on the same plane.
Diode; A pair of two long poems.
Manometer; An instrument for detecting disguised males in a group of females.
Syntax; Tariff on immorality.

bookmark_borderSea Facts..it’s all true..

Some silly lines wrote by school kids about The Sea..I hope the spelling mistakes make it across the language barrier!!

1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

2) Oysters’ balls are called pearls (James age 6)

3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island . If you don’t have sea all round you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne age 7)

4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson .. She’s not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

5) A dolphin breaths through an arshole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)

6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.(Millie age 6)

7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn’t blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)

8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

9) I’m not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can’t think what to write. (Amy age 6)

10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can’t go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)

13) On holiday my Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won’t do it again because water shot up her fanny.(Julie age 7).

bookmark_borderThe Butt of Humour

The first foreign county I ever visited was the south of Ireland or *Bandit Country* as my dad would refer to it. When I told him I was heading off south for a few days on a road trip you should have seen his face, had I gone over to the ‘Dark Side’, why would I want to go down there, it’s FULL of Irish…er yes dad, that’s why it’s called Ireland…and I hate to mention it but we live in Norn ‘Ireland’… do the maths Dad…

None of my friends really took much notice of the whole sectarian side of things, we were much more interested in the opposite sex and having fun…and our cars of course, all young men like to garner respect and kudos from their peer group and I was no different, we men go through the seven (or seventeen) stages of manhood; I used to think that my hair was important – cool haircut man, respect… (which obviously sounds a bit weird coming with an Irish accent but we men are men the world over..) Then I realised just how immature that attitude was, being cool wasn’t about having a great haircut, no, silly me, it was obviously about having an Amiga 500 computer, then all my friends would want to hang out with me cos I was cool, and that sufficed for a while until I realised that having an Amiga 500 with all the trimmings and go-faster stripes wasn’t how to earn respect from my peer group, nah, silly me, it was obviously about having a car, silly me, so I got cool car with go-faster stripes and that was it, I was made.. I bathed in respect from my friends, and then I realised, with some alarm, that having a cool car wasn’t important, it was a girlfriend, if I had a cracking girlfriend then I was cool and ‘arrived’ so off I went and got a nice bit of arm candy and I was cool… but then I realised just how juvenile that attitude was, the best way to get respect and kudos from my peer group was of course by having a great job.. or was it lots of money.. or nice holidays…or expensive jewellery..or big house…or promotion..damn…the goalposts keep changing but ‘one day’ I’ll have arrived.. just gotta keep keep keep on trying..

So anyway, a pile of us jumped into our cars and headed off to the south, our main aim being to get to Cork as it was pretty far away and more importantly one of my friends had a sister there who was apparently ‘hot’ and she wouldn’t be bothered at all if a dozen strangers from up north pitched up unannounced one Saturday afternoon..

Now, we have this funny thing in Norn Ireland, we tell jokes that go along the lines of “This Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman walk into a pub” and the butt of the joke is the silly Irishman, I believe in most countries they have some foreigner who is the butt of jokes, Polish for Americans, I suspect but am not sure it’s Newfoundlanders for Canadians.. So in Norn Ireland we make jokes about the silly Southern Irish but in the south of Ireland they make jokes about the people from Cork (yes, really!). What I’m wondering is, who do the people in Cork make fun of, is there one particular area of Cork and everyone in Cork makes fun about people from there, “Aye, those folk from Ballymacthomas are real idiots…” and do the folk from Ballymacthomas have one street that is the butt of their jokes, “Aye, those folk in Knocknaheeny Street, bloody idiots”, and the folk from Knocknaheeny Street, do they have one particular house they make fun of, “Aye, that family in number 32, idiots” …and the family in number 32, do they think “Aye, me Dad, bloody idiot..do the math”

Anyway, I must digress, so we all pitched up in Cork one Saturday afternoon and what was surprising about Cork was it was full of tourists. This may not surprise you, dear reader, but in Norn Iron because of The Troubles we have lots of terrorist but absolutely zero tourists, terrorist and tourist are two mutually exclusive species, find a tourist in Belfast during the 80’s: impossible, terrorists, two a penny, and now the situation is reversed, the place is stuffed full of tourist and where are the terrorist, nowhere to be seen, if President Obama wants to rid Iraq of terrorists then the obvious solution is to not to send in more army but to parachute shit loads of tourists into Baghdad.. problem solved.

So in Belfast during the 80’s there were very few hotels and no sight-seeing tours, you didn’t walk around Belfast during the early 80’s and get stopped by American tourists asking you which way was it to Corn Market, however what you did get was searched/scanned every time you went into Marks & Spencer or Boots The Chemist, you automatically raised your arms to be frisked every time you went out for a tin of beans and no cars were allowed into the City centre, so it was a lovely contrast to walk around the main streets of Cork and not be searched but also to see loads of American tourists looking for their roots.. which reminds me of this;

An American tourist travelling in County Cork came across a little antique shop in which he was lucky enough to pick up, for a mere 200 Euros, the skull of Brian Boru.

Included in the price was a certificate of the skull’s authenticity, signed by Brian Boru himself……..

Fifteen years later the tourist returned to Ireland and asked the man from Clare, who owned the antique shop, if he had any more bargains.

‘I’ve got the very thing for you, ‘said the shopkeeper, ‘It’s the genuine skull of Brian Boru.’

‘You cheat, ‘exploded the American, ‘You sold me that fifteen years ago, ‘and producing the skull added loudly, ‘Look, they’re not even the same size.’

‘You have got it wrong,’ opined the seller, ‘This is the skull of Brian Boru when he was a lad.’

You see, the secrets out, in Cork it’s not really the people from Ballymacthomas who are the butt of jokes, the butt of Cork jokes come from further afield.. :p

bookmark_borderHOSPITAL CHART BLOOPERS…

Those of a medical bent will appreciate this. These “writings” were actually once written into hospital charts……….

1. The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
20. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
21. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

bookmark_borderGot any carrots?

A rabbit came into a shop and asked, “Got any carrots?”
The owner answered, “Sorry, no..”
The next day the rabbit came again and asked, “Got any carrots?”
The owner replied “No! NO!”
Next day the rabbit came and asked, “Got any carrots?”
The owner shouted, “NO! And if you come again and ask for carrots, I’ll nail your ears to this counter!”
Next day the rabbit came back and asked, “Got any nails?”
The owner answered, “No!”
The rabbit asked, “Got any carrots?”

bookmark_borderNot sure these aren’t made up..you decide..

A radio station in Australia ran a phone-in competition to find the most embarrassing moment in listener’s lives.

The final three were:

3rd Place.

It was the day before my 18th birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggy-back ride down to the phone. Since we didn’t want to miss the call, we didn’t have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on as a whole crowd of people yelled ‘SURPRISE’. My entire family – parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins as well as my friends, were standing there. My girlfriend and I were frozen on the spot in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned any surprise parties.

2nd Place.

A lady picked up ! several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checkout, she learned that one of the items had no price tag.

The checkout girl got on the public address system, which boomed out across the store for everyone to hear, “Price check for Tampax supersize”. But it got worse. Someone at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word ‘Tampax’ for ‘Thumbtacks’, and replied in a business like tone, his voice booming over the same public address system: “Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you belt in with a hammer?”

1st Place.

And the winner is . . . This happened at a major Australian University, during a biology lecture. A professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young woman raised her hand and asked, “If I understand you correctly, you are saying there is as much glucose in male semen as in sugar?” The professor responded, “Yes, that’s correct”, adding some statistical data to his lecture. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, “Then why doesn’t it taste sweet?” After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl turned bright red, and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books and without another word, walked out of the class – and never returned. However, as she was heading for the door, the professor’s reply was a classic. Totally straight faced, he answered her question. “It doesn’t taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat.”

bookmark_borderLetters sent to council

These are purported to be actual excerpts from letters sent to councils and housing associations throughout the UK..

1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
3. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
4. I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was that bad wind the other night that blew them off.
5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
6. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant?
7. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.
8. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
9. Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
10. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
11. I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning at 6:00am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.
12. The man next door has a large erection in the garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
13. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two small children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.
14. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.
15. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
16. I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have had no satisfaction.
17. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus in it.
18. He’s got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can’t take it any more.

bookmark_borderObvious Strapline..

The bossman sent around a request this afternoon, we need a strapline for the Computing Services..

AudioVisual have got : ‘Opening the Technology Pathway’

Library have got : THINK – Turning Health Information into Knowledge

All the geeks are racking their brains trying to come up with a slogan..

I’ve suggested

“Have You Tried Turning It Off And On Again..”

bookmark_borderWedding Speeches

A long long time ago, in a galaxy far far away, I was asked to be Best Man at my friends Tony’s wedding…no problem, tell a few funny stories, embarrass the hell out of Tony and have a great time.. Stood up and said the following;

“Being asked to be Best Man is like being asked to make love to the Queen Mother….it’s a great honour but Christ, you don’t want to do it…”

Complete silence..tumble-weed moment…. Tony didn’t mention the fact that everyone there was a committed Christian…

It took ages for me to stop laughing…

I wasn’t asked back.

 

bookmark_borderCrimes and Misdemeanour’s.. Part deux

I don’t really drink much these days but in my 20’s I was typical bloke and would partake a drink or two, however that got curtailed slightly after the following incident when I was 25. It was my mate Toms stag night and a whole pile of us trooped down to Brighton on the piss. Officially it was a stag night but as a lot of us were going steady it became combined Stag/Hen night.

I was dating Sue and we were all part of a good bunch of friends. So we ended up in this pub near Brighton, 40 miles away but we knew the owner, he was one of our lots father and he had a load of mattresses upstairs in a pool hall for us all to crash out on..

So we did the usual pub crawl and then ended up back at his place, the Spread Eagle, and after drinking ourselves stupid we all eventually crashed out upstairs in the pool hall, I snuggled up beside Sue and fell into deep sleep but at about 4am I was busting to go for a leak so I gently untangled myself from Sue and tip-toed out, found the bog, and then came back and snook quietly back into bed behind Sue, snuggled up beside he, wrapped my arms around her and give her some nice kisses on the nape of her neck, she snuggled up even tighter before we both fell deeply asleep..

Imagine my surprise when I was woken up suddenly next morning with Sue shouting “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN ‘HER’ BED!!”… I looked under the blanket, I had my arms wrapped around Anne…damn! Wrong bed! Doh!!

Needless to say Sue and I didn’t stay together much longer after that but the guys ribbed me about it for absolutely years… bugger!

bookmark_borderTop Ten Worst Puns…

10. I went to a seafood disco last week… and pulled a mussel.

09. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was great.

08. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

07. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

06. Patient: “I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.’”
Doctor: “That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.”
Patient: “Is it common?”
Doctor: “It’s Not Unusual.”

05. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.” “I don’t believe you”, says Dolly. “It’s true, no bull!” exclaims Daisy.

04. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

03. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why,” they asked, as they moved off. “Because”, he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

02. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him….. A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

And #1 Top Ten Worst Puns for the week is…

01. And finally, there was a person who sent 10 different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least 1 of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

bookmark_borderLearn Chinese in 5 Minutes

(Must Read Out Loud)

1 That’s not right — Sum Ting Wong

2 Are you harbouring a fugitive — Hu Yu Hai Ding

3 See me ASAP — Kum Hia

4 Stupid Man — Dum Fuk

5 Small Horse — Tai Ni Po Ni

6 Did you go to the beach — Wai Yu So Tan

7 I bumped the coffee table — Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni

8 I think you need a face lift — Chin Tu Fat

9 It’s Very dark in here — Wai So Dim

10 I Thought you were on a diet — Wai Yu Mun Ching

11 This is a tow away zone — No Pah King

12 Our meeting is scheduled for next week — Wai Yu Kum Nao

13 Staying out of sight — Lei Ying Lo

14 He’s cleaning his automobile — Wa Shing Ka

15 Your body odor is offensive — Yu Stin Ki Pu

16 Great — Fa Kin Su Pah

bookmark_borderPop Quiz

Hmmmmm  I’ve read a lot of dating quiz’s on various dating websites and thought I’d make up my own.

1) You are having dinner and have just dropped your light-sabre, what should you use Luke..?

a) The knife
b) The fork
c) The Force

2) You are half way to the moon and you have a problem, who should you call?

a) Mummy
b) Daddy
c) The AA
d) Ghostbusters
e) Huston
f) The Samaritans
g) Dominios Pizza

3) Who is most likely to wear Spandex

a) Freddie Star
b) Freddie Mercury
c) Freddie Kruger
d) Freddie Laker
e) Freddie The Hamster

4) Queen Boadicea was..

a) Miss Norfolk 60 A.D.
b) Miss NoFuckWithMe 1960
c) Mis Teeq
d) Misunderstood
e) A Mysteron

5) You have ten seconds to decide which wire to cut to defuse an atomic bomb, what are you thinking?

a) I’ll cut the red wire
b) I’ll cut the blue wire
c) I wish I wasn’t colour blind…

6) You are 75, what one thing should you never pass up the opportunity to use?

a) A Jack-hammer
b) A bungee jump
c) A public lavatory

7) You are 75, what one thing should you never pass up the opportunity to use, even if you are alone?

a) The volume down knob
b) The opportunity to moan about the younger generation
c) An erection

8) You are watching tv with your new girlfriends parents, what is NOT the appropriate thing to say

a) That Angela Lansbury from Murder She Wrote, she gives me wood..
b) That Angela Lansbury from Murder She Wrote, she gives me wood..
c) That Angela Lansbury from Murder She Wrote, she gives me wood..

(they didn’t laugh…………. )

9) You are at very posh girlfriends parents house and she suggests we have lunch in the orchard and we’ll use the special table, what is NOT the appropriate thing to say to her mother?

a) Oh, what’s so special about that table, is that the one she lost her cherry on?

(they didn’t laugh either….)

(it was a VERY long lunch….)

Bugger.

bookmark_borderStories From The Far Side – Miss SilverBackGorilla

When I began this whole internet dating malarky I started off being very fussy about height, weight, age, sex, (sanity) but then when no-one emailed me I tried talking to anyone and everyone. Eventually Miss SBG responded, she looked reasonably sane and rather than fart around with endless emails I thought I’d take the plunge and suggested she meet me for a bite to eat.

She said great and I arranged to meet her in Wimbledon..

I duly arrived on time and she was just arriving in her Green Paddy Wagon as she called it and God, what a shocker, I held the car door open for her and the first thing I noticed was just how exposed her boobs were, bloody hell, I could almost see her belly button, I didn’t know where to look – well, I did but I was trying not to, it was like watching two bald headed men wrestling under a duvet, I couldn’t understand how they were managing to stay in her blouse, I instinctively grabbed onto the car door incase I was sucked in never to be seen again..

That was shock number one, shock number two was the length of her skirt or lack of length, talk about short, I’ve seen thicker belts and it was pretty obvious she was wearing some very Bridget Jones underwear ….oooeeerrr

Shock number three was her face – when I eventually managed to tear my eyes away from her boobs and legs (I am a man after all!) shock number three was her face, she said on her profile that she was 45 but there was no way she was in her 40’s, I asked her about that – subtle is not my strongest point – and she said that she was really 56 but the 45 in her profile was a ‘typo’ and she didn’t see the point in changing it as she was after a toy boy. In her photo she looked reasonable but this was a completely different woman, being Mr Subtle I asked her about that and she admitted that the photo was 20 years old and she was using that one as her current one wasn’t working…doh!

So, in the Indian restaurant and the waiters eyes are just like her boobs – popping out, I had to repeat the order about four times until he got it right, dirty bastard! I was chatting away and said something funny and she started laughing but what a laugh, the whole restaurant went quiet and stared at her, I wanted to die…I immediately checked out just were the exit was…and looked wistfully at it… it was kind’a like a laughing hyena with a really really bad cold, she was laughing and snorting at the same time and I had to put my hand over my food before she sprayed it, God, she was loud and of course as she was laughing her boobs were wobbling away like two giant blancmange’s or two Krakatoa’s about to erupt, they were riveting but even more riveting were her arms, God, they were amazingly hairy. Now I know that as you get older then you get hairier, even I am getting hairier and why on earth does nature think I need bushy eyebrows and long nasal hair I’ll never know. Billy Connelly did a piece about long nasal hair and said “I mean just what sort of creature is going to attack me in the middle of the night and will be repelled by long nasal hair” – well, apart from woman of course! But anyway, Miss SBG had these incredibly hairy arms, I was mesmerised by them, I’ve seen hairy arms but this was ridiculous, I’ve seen Irish builders with less arm hair, she was hairier than my father and he’s half werewolf, it was amazing, she was like a silver backed gorilla, I was gob smacked, she had fur, I wondered if her arms were like this then god knows what her back was going to be like, it would be like curling up with Scobbie Doo.. was REALLY tempted to ask if she shaved her legs..(back, arms, chest…..)

God, that sounds awful, maybe I better stop now..

Bugger it.

Conversation was a bit strained, I must admit to being absolutely hypnotised by her arms, I’ve no idea what she said all night as I was just transfixed by them, she could have said ‘ohhh ohh ahhh pass me a banana Tarzan’ and I wouldn’t have noticed, in fact she probably did.. it seems her interests in life centred around getting pissed every weekend and watching Big Brother, I asked where was the furthest she had ever travelled and Brighton was the response, a day trip to Brighton..where she drank herself silly and was sick over everybody on the bus home…

Then I asked about books and she said she hasn’t read anything since she left school apart from Hello and Heat magazine…and I’m groping for conversational hooks, what about home, family, job, career, restaurants, theatre, ambition, hopes – dates.. anything for Pete’s sake and I get one word answers…and the clocks second hand is going in reverse… I’ve never actually spent most of a meal in complete silence but it was bordering on that.. actually I tell a lie, I went on a Speed Dating evening and one woman sat there for the whole 10 minutes and wouldn’t even look me in the eye…that’s another tale..

Anyway, the other thing was she had a huge handbag. I thought that was a bit strange but I soon found out why. After the meal I made my excuses and walked her back to her car and she said “Oh, aren’t you going to invite me around for coffee?” Now in all mens mind we have this complete fantasy about meeting up with some attractive woman, hitting it off and then the ultimate being her turning around and inviting herself back ‘for coffee’, all men fantasise about times like that – NEVER happens but we live in hope, however she said it to me and I actually said to her “I beg your pardon?”, and she repeated the question and there is this moment when you think “WOW” and it’s immediately replaced with “Oh My God! No thank you” so I said erm Thanks but I need to get an early night, lots of work to do tomorrow… She said that’s fine, I’ll come along and keep you company! and I was a bit caught out, I fumbled for excuses and said “oh but you probably don’t have all your womans gear and all that..” she says “don’t be silly, what do you think this is, it’s my overnight bag!” I said to her Jesus, you go to dates with your OVERNIGHT BAG???!!” Needless to say I made my excuses and disappeared off the face of the planet – or as my friend K says “I had a sudden yachting accident”..

I know you probably think I’m making this all up but if only I was…sigh..

bookmark_borderI once met up with a rape prosecutor..

You 'can' trust me... probably.

There are certain expressions that are guaranteed to get everyone’s attention. ‘I once met up with a rape prosecutor’ is one, not like I knew it at the time. She was nice and friendly so we met up for a bite to eat and she proceeded to get very very drunk, by the end of the evening she was she was like a live wire, very loud and wide awake, she wanted to come back to my place to watch a movie I had downloaded… it was still reasonably early so I said ok, sure why not..

So we pitched up at my place and just at the front door she turns around and says to me in a very loud voice “You need to know that I am not coming in here for non-consensual sex.. and I need you to repeat that back to me!”

I said “What. I beg your pardon?”

The neighbour’s curtains twitched..

And she said “you need to know that I’m not coming in for non-consensual sex and I need you to repeat that back to me..”

And I said “What on earth are you on about?” more curtains twitched..

Then she told me (a bit too loudly) that she was a rape prosecutor and before she came in I had to repeat that statement back to her… the neighbours were all ears..

So I rather surprised myself by responding with this “sooo…if you are NOT coming in for non-consensual sex then you MUST be coming in for consensual sex!”

That completely threw her.. “No, No I mean I’m AM coming in for non-consensual sex…I mean I AM coming in for consensual sex no no NO I mean I’m not coming in for non-sex….oh dear…I’ve no idea what I’m meant to be saying…

I just giggled… no-one’s ever said that to me before..

Another expression that’s handy to know is “I’m a barrister!”

I was having some root canal work done one day and it was a bit uncomfortable… as the dentist proceeded to work away on my teeth I was getting increasingly sore so I told him so… he carried on working away and I stopped him and said I probably need some more local anaesthetic ..and he just pooh poohed me and told me that it couldn’t possibly be sore…

I looked at him and said “I should warn you, I’m a trainee barrister..”

He immediately stopped work and gave me a mega dose of local anaesthetic..

bookmark_borderMost embarrassing moments..

I was reading a blog about life’s most embarrassing moments and this girl wrote that when in sixth form her teacher asked if anyone could do something unusual…like wiggle their ears or somersault…so this 16yr old said she could do a cartwheel, the teacher thought that’s a good trick so the entire class pushed all their desks back and she stood up to do her cartwheel, unfortunately as she was in the middle of it two things happened simultaneously

1) Her skirt fell down and everyone could see her awful Bridget Jones knickers..

2) She farted…REALLY LOUDLY

The entire class fell to the floor laughing and she was humiliated.. even the teacher laughed…

She left shortly after that and became an axe murderer..

I know how she feels.. I was debriefed in front of my entire town when I was 19 and desperately trying to be cool… 🙁

I found this on ‘ta tinkernet the other year, kept it to cheer myself up but think I shall share it with you lot..

Paste..

My mate JW went on a two week boating holiday on the Norfolk Broads with his girlfriend, mum & dad, an auntie and both of his grandmothers. Because the interior walls of the narrowboat were paper thin, he and the gf decided to self-impose a nookie ban for fear of embarrassing all the wrinklies, but by the end of the first week, he was absolutely gagging for it.

Imagine then his delight at waking up very early Sunday morning to find the boat absolutely silent – woo!, yay! and hoopla! A damn good shagging ensued after which the boat was still completely silent, so they do it all over again, with a little more gusto.

After dispensing a weeks worth of baby glue, JW pops to the galley for a post-coital drink and notices, in horror, through the galley window two things;

i) His entire family sat in awkward silence on the riverbank having breakfast.

ii) The mini-tsunami of tidal waves from the bonking still hadn’t settled down.

——————————
After a night out drinking with some friends we had decided to get some pizzas for the walk home. On the way we passed a homeless person. I couldn’t eat my last few slices of pizza, so thought that the homeless guy might appreciate a free meal. Offering him the pizza he seemed pleased, and asked what was on it. “it’s ham and pineapple” i said. “Oh, i dont like pineapple” he said, to which, in my slightly tactless and drunken state replied “well, beggars cant be choosers!”

———————————

At school, we had a new Maths teacher one day, and I’m attempting to point out to my friends at the back of the class what saggy tits she has. I’ve mouthed this a few times with the internationally recognised hand gesture for saggy tits. They don’t have a clue what I’m going on about so I raise my voice above the general noise of the classroom a tad. At that instant, for a reason I shall never know the class goes silent, leaving me shouting “She’s got saggy tits!” with her staring at me. Bugger.

————————–

I guess I should dob my wife in….. she was working as a hairdresser in Brisbane (Oz) and a lady with three kids in tow asked to make an appointment for a perm and a trim for her hubby. My wife asked for her name and was told “Mrs Kuntz” – pronounced the same as you know what, and yes, you can guess how my wife wrote it down…
Mrs Kuntz saw what was written and loudly spelled her name for my wife’s’ benefit – my wife being extremely embarrassed blurted out “Oh..okay..sorry.” Looks at the three kids and says “Will you be bringing the little Kuntz with you?”
The woman complained but my wife’s’ employer thought it was dead funny and didn’t sack her.

I also met a rather *coff* attractive former work colleague at Paddington Station as couple of years after she went off and got a new job.

“When’s the baby due?” I asked pointing to the rather obvious bulge.

“I’m not pregnant,” she replied.

AAAAARGH! How was I to know it was pie retention?

—————————

When I was going to work one day, there were 3 of us in a car going along the motorway, and every so often we’d pass a bored child being driven somewhere. Occasionally the bored child would make stupid faces at us, and being the merry fellows that we are, we’d respond with a similarly stupid face.
This was all well and good until we were behind one car with a kid gurning out the back at us – we started gurning back, and it was only after about 5 minutes of doing this that we realised that the kid actually had cerebral palsy. His parents looked shocked and appalled as we overtook them and disappeared quickly into the distance.

______________________

I was once in Burger King, at the back of the queue trying to work out what I wanted from the menu. Unfortunately I didn’t have my glasses on so I couldn’t see too well.

Luckily I knew the eye-focusing trick of squinting, putting your fingers into the corners of your eyes and pulling them outwards (Try it, it works).

I was standing in this pose reading the menu completely oblivious to the Chinese family walking towards me after having purchased their meals. They assumed I was some twat taking the piss, but I got away with a dirty look.

The shame.
________________________

A distant relative died a couple of years ago. He was a quaker, and we went to his memorial service. Quakers have a rather different way of sending off their brethren, which involves about 70 people sitting around in a circular seating arrangement, 3 rows deep (everyone facing each other). At one point in the service, everyone sits in complete silence for one hour (ONE HOUR!), during which anyone (sometimes people who hardly even knew him) occasionally stand up and say whatever they want.

Anyway – everything went well for me, Mrs 8-Ball and my brother, until about 45 mins into the silent bit, when one of the old people next to us fell asleep and started snoring. This gave us a fit of the surpressed giggles. Then – when, in his dormant state, the man let an enormous one rip, my brother finally broke down into uncontrollable laughter, with tears streaming down his face. I managed to keep it together by biting halfway through my bottom lip.

No one really spoke to us much at the coffee and tea bit afterwards.