bookmark_borderDarwinism Disproven

photo

I think it’s time for me to collect yet another Nobel Prize as I have come up with final proof that Darwinism – whilst a lovely logical notion – is complete bollocks. I’ve been thinking about this for a while and I’ve come to realise that natural selection has a very obvious fatal flaw – or maybe that should be paw..

You see, according to natural selection the male of the species should get more colourful with each passing generation to attract the female of the species and pass on his genetic code. If one looks at the peacock then this would seem the obvious answer, the hen is plain but the male has developed this amazing fan tail of feathers and this is repeated across the bird kingdom, the only exception is the eclectus parrot where the female is multi-coloured but the male is plain green.

So, that seems simple and straight forward enough. But there’s a problem with that theory. You see, if that was the case then most human males would look remarkably more like little furry puppies with each passing generation.

Perhaps I should explain. I’ve doggie-sat occasional for friends and taken dogs for nice long walks in the park and without exception the female of our species will always come over and talk to the doggie and even stroke it’s tum if given half a chance. They pretty much ignore me but the mutt get’s them coo-ing endlessly. Ironically, puppies are like female cat-nip.

So, according to natural selection men should be by now at least a little bit furry, have big shiny eyes, floppy ears, a wet nose and pant a lot. Now I know that some men are heading that way, I pant a lot when I see an attractive woman and the urge to hump her leg doggie style is almost overwhelming but I resist the urge. One of my friends is indeed very hairy – his wife says it’s like sleeping with a Werewolf, but generally looking around at the male of the species I think it’s never going to happen, I seriously doubt that a million generations down the line that we’re all going to look like Scooby Do.

I wonder when I can collect my Nobel Prize?

bookmark_borderThe Cat’s Version of The Rules

cute cat funny

BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.

DOORS: Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get the door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an “outside” door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.

CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as long as a human’s bare foot.

HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some activity, and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called “helping,” otherwise known as “hampering.” Following are the rules for hampering:

  1. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
  2. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book — unless you can lie across the book itself.
  3. When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen, and then lay in human’s lap across arms, hampering typing in progress.

WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around.

LITTER BOX: When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.

HIDING: Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses, and you probably will get a treat.

ONE LAST THOUGHT: Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face, turn around, and present your butt to them. Humans love this, so do it often. And don’t forget the guests.

bookmark_borderTo dunk or not to dunk, that is the question..

Careful..
Careful..

There was a FASCINATING thread on mumsnet last week that one of my friends alerted me to, I have copied parts of the thread below for your enjoyment, the full thread is here;

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnet_classics/1875847-Do-you-dunk-your-penis

Enjoy.

Do you dunk your penis?
(1001 Posts)
SaraCrewe Tue 08-Oct-13 09:16:47

I considered name changing for this, but, fuck it.

We have a dedicated post-sex cleanup area on the bedside table. A box of tissues, a small bin, and a beaker of clean water for temporary cleaning/dunking while the bathroom is occupied by me.

Apparently our penis beaker is strange and not the done thing.

Does everyone else just lay there in a sticky post coital glow until morning? Really?

———————————————————————————————————-

This was rapidly followed by the following 1001 responses, yes, seriously, 1001, the default limit the system can handle and it went viral, made the newpapers websites all over the world here and here and here and here and even twitter got in on the act

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No. We have a normal bedside table. With books and a lamp.
Not a sex clean up bit!

——————————-

Have never heard of this. And used to be quite the harlot, so really think I would have seen in, if it were a common thing. But maybe my tastes just run to the unwashed…?

Has there ever been a midnight mixup with a glass of drinking water?

Am waiting in fascination to see rest of responses.

—————————-

SaraCrewe Tue 08-Oct-13 09:24:07

No I’m not a troll. I have only ever slept with my H and we’ve always done this! Might have started when we were teens and couldn’t make a dash to the bathroom in our parents houses.

Luckily my drinking water is in a sports bottle!! grin

——————–

You’ve just had sex so I assume you are on fairly intimate terms. Even if you have an acid fanjo and his sperm is nine tenths itching powder, surely you can use the bathroom at the same time? You can wash your fanjo in the bath and he can scrub his cock in the sink.

—————-

grin!! No! I bidet and he showers in the same room together at the same time!! if we can be bothered

I’d hate to get the spermy beaker mixed up with the squash beaker in the middle of the night grin

—————-

SaraCrewe Tue 08-Oct-13 09:29:34

I don’t think he wants to spring off the bed but doesn’t want to sit there sticky, so I dash off to pee while he does his temporary clean. I am sure at least one other person will come along and say they do something like this, I am sure.

—————

OP your penis dunking bedside beaker is odd.

You see another day and I’m blessed with another sentence I never thought I’d say.

I love MN.

—————–

SaraCrewe Tue 08-Oct-13 09:37:33

I really thought if I was going to find anyone who agreed with me it would be on mumsnet. Sigh.

I refuse to believe not one other person cleans up while still in bed. Maybe not a beaker but a bowl? Baby wipes?
———————

No dunking beaker in our house, we must be scummers. I’m fascinated to know how you discivered this wasn’t the done thing? Have you been discussing this in real life Sara?

———————-
SaraCrewe Tue 08-Oct-13 09:47:33

It was him warning his mate not to make squash in said sex beaker that outed us IRL. So if he gets stick it’s his own fault. I used it as my pee beaker while TTC too, poor, abused beaker.

—————

No never heard of this and how often do you wash the beaker? Do you put it in the dishwasher?

—————–

Do you have it all on a tray covered with a small cloth and uncover it in a manner of a priest uncovering the communion wine & wafers?

bookmark_borderLondon 2012: an etiquette guide for Olympics visitors

It’s Olympic time and therefore I think most of our pending visitors need a simple guide to UK etiquette, you may think this is tongue in cheek but it’s deadly serious – as every Londoner will sadly testify..

Welcome, and before we begin – please accept our apologies. Your four-hour nightmare wait at passport control should not be taken as a symptom of Britain’s contempt for foreigners or even revenge for the TSA.. It is merely a symptom of a woeful lack of spending on a key aspect of travel infrastructure in the run-up to a hugely important event. In other words, it’s not us Londoners who hate you, it’s the government that hates you. Don’t worry, they hate us too.

Please also accept our apologies for Boris Johnston, the London Mayor. We know he gives good interviews on US chat shows but he really is a upper class bumbling twit who shouldn’t be left in charge of an icecream van let alone a city of over seven million. We are also very sorry about Tony Blair. We aren’t sure what happened there. Think it was something about hanging chads – or was that his mate George – we have difficulty telling them apart. Oh and we apologise about inflicting Piers Morgan on all of America but we REALLY don’t want him back.

Canadians: I’m afraid that while you are here you will be repeatedly mistaken for Americans and blamed for all sorts of stuff you had nothing to do with. Unless you can think of a quick and simple way to distinguish yourselves at a glance –  I’m a Canadian, HUG me t-shirt? Maple leaf eyepatch? – then you are just going to have to suck it up.

Americans: While you’re here, why not pretend to be Canadian? Very few Britons can tell the difference, and it will allow you to rescue yourself from awkward conversations about the death penalty and the National Rifle Ass. (The capital of Canada is Ottawa and there are ten provinces in Canada incase you get tested!) (PS if you can pronounce Saskatchewan correctly then you are not Canadian.)

• Under no circumstances should you ask your taxi driver how excited he is about having the Olympics in London this summer. It’s not that he will be reluctant or embarrassed to offer a personal opinion on the matter. That is not the problem at all. Your ears will be bleeding by the end of the conversation. Actually, just don’t ask your taxi driver anything other than “Can you take me to my hotel” and “How much is that?”. PS Cabbies don’t accept American Express, no matter what the commercials tell ya..

• You will repeatedly hear that the East End of London, where the bulk of the Olympic events are being held, is an “up and coming” area. You may wonder what this odd English expression means when applied to your immediate surroundings. You are quite right to. The slum demolishing program started pre-war is running slightly behind schedule.

• Nobody here can answer any questions you have about fencing. Google it.

• Pay no attention to those bow-tied etiquette experts you sometimes see on CNN International, telling you how to behave while in Britain. These people are generally of dubious provenance, normally live in California and tend to peddle advice that is either irrelevant or out of date. For example, they will often say that Britons love queuing and are so fond of apologising that they will often say “sorry” even when something isn’t their fault. In reality, Britons are just as likely to jump to the front of a queue and then punch the person behind them for coughing. It all depends on how muggy it is.

• British people may seem to apologise a lot, but it doesn’t quite mean the same thing here. In the UK, “I’m sorry” actually means either a) I didn’t hear you; b) I didn’t understand you; or c) I both heard and understood you, and I think you’re an idiot.

• You might expect locals to be, in the circumstances, a bit defensive about the weather. But it’s true: it really doesn’t rain like this every summer. This is exceptional, which is why it’s so cold in your hotel room. There aren’t normally this many soldiers in the streets either. No, honestly.

• Britons love bleak humour: that’s why all the hire bikes are branded with the name of a bank currently being investigated for fixing interest rates. It’s supposed to be funny. London’s bike hire scheme couldn’t be simpler, by the way: just go up to the terminal at any docking station, pay by card and take away one of our so-called “Boris bikes”. When you’re done with it, simply throw it into the nearest canal. They’re disposable!

• If you have arrived early, you might just be lucky enough to catch a glimpse of the final leg of the Olympic torch relay. Or you might be at a riot. Ask yourself the following questions: are there lots of people holding flames, or just one? Is everybody running in the right direction? Does the nearest branch of Foot Locker appear to be having the craziest sale ever?

• None of us is officially allowed to speak to members of the foreign press. We have all been instructed to avoid eye contact while referring your queries to a team of dedicated information managers who don’t really exist. The same policy applies to ministers from totalitarian states and anyone who turns up at the airport with a camel.

• Do not ask a policeman the best way to get to the West End or how to use an Oyster card. He wants to help, but he’s been drafted in from the West Midlands and is even more lost than you.

Please aid the Olympic authorities and organisers by demonstrating at all times that you are not a terrorist. Do not perspire, take off your shoes, smile in a weird way while texting someone, or point and shout: “Hey! Look at all those missiles on that roof over there!” In fact, if you’re not using your hands for anything, it’s probably best if you keep them in the air where everybody can see them.

bookmark_borderThe Pizza Dilemma

TombStone? A not so subtle hint.

When I worked as a nurse on ICU part of the job included patient education with regards towards a healthier life, so we’d try educating patients about giving up alcohol and smoking, explaining the statistics about quality and length of life. A common response back from the patients was “it’s not that you actually live longer – it just seems it, you suck all the joy out of life, no fags, no drink…of course your life is going to seem longer.. a LOT bleeding longer!”

I have some sympathy with my ex-patients, you see, I’ve been trying to eat healthy recently, trying to cut down on sugars and fats; no more cakes, biscuits, pizza, chips, pies etc and now I know just how my patients felt, it’s not like I’m going to live longer…it just seems like it…a long dreary existence… kill me now.

You see, culturally, I come from the land that considers eating five different coloured M&M’s as part of your ‘five a day’, a land that has taken Nutella to it’s heart (literally), a land than considers dipping Mars bars in batter and deep frying them in lard a healthy snack, a land that considers anything with the word ‘die’ in it to be avoided…like diet and dieticians.

So, I’ve decided to do a bit of research and have come up with a scientifically valid diet, it’s the ice-cream diet, also known as the Gelato diet. You see, ask any scientist about calories and heat and they will tell you quite seriously that it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree centigrade. Therefore, if you eat ice-cream or Gelato then your body will warm it up to body temperature and the only source of calories is in your fat stores so your will use up calories.

Let’s explore this a bit further,  if you consume 100g of ice-cream then for your body to bring that from 0.0C  to body temperature of 37C then that’s 100g times 32C which equals 3,200 calories used to raise your ice-cream to body temperature. Now, the average portion of ice-cream is probably closer to 200g rather than 100g so that’s 6,400 calories used up but of course there are sugars etc in ice-cream and on average you are talking about 1,200 calories but we’ll say that on balance, with every average portion of ice-cream you will use up roughly 5,000 calories.

This works equally as well with cold beer, if you go out drinking every evening then you will lose weight. There’s roughly 16 fluid ounces to a pint and if you do the maths then you lose roughly 1,000 calories with each ounce as long as it’s chilled and served from a frosted glass, so in a pint of beer you actually lose 15,000 calories allowing for the calories already in the beer.

Sadly this diet only works with foods and liquids colder than your body, it doesn’t work for pizza which is usually served above body temperature – except obviously during the next morning when you find some left over pizza in the carton and then it’s healthy as it’s cooler than body temperature.  But there is a solution to the pizza dilemma, you see, we all like to go out and eat pizza but don’t want to wait until the morning to eat vast quantities of cold pizza so the obvious solution is to either drink lots of beer with your (hot) pizza and eat lots of ice-cream afterwards. Dilemma solved. My diet starts tomorrow. I wonder if I’ll get the Nobel Prize for this?

bookmark_borderLondon riots.

London was quiet last night, watched dozens of police vans heading off to Wimbledon which was the next target according to police intelligence. Wimbledon was completely saturated with police and locked down tight. Was probably not a good idea to pop over there last night wearing any sort of hoodie or be 14.  Bit of a shame really as I was thinking of heading that way and watching a movie with the beasties, the 14 yr old has a really scruffy hoodie and am wondering just how many policemen would jump him if he made any sort of commotion, was so tempted to go there with him just to put the fear of god into him, all I’d have to do is shout ‘vandal’ and he’d be pounced on by screaming mob of middle class grannies.. (his worse night if truth be told!)

Lots of friends phoning up from Northern Ireland to ask if I am OK, funny enough I slept really well these last few nights, the police sirens and helicopters remind me of my childhood. Weird to think of folk from Northern Ireland being concerned about me, when I first moved to London my ma said ‘but London is full of muggers, drug pushers and pimps’, and this from someone who was living in a bloody war-zone…  (and no, never did find the muggers, drug pushers and pimps)

 

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Found these on t’internet, (between thou and I – I think photoshop has been used…)

Behind you David!
The Very Hungry Caterpillar

ABBA fan?
One happy looter
Completely understandably, after all, he IS so talented..

And more here http://photoshoplooter.tumblr.com/

A nice cuppa tea sorts everything.. This has NOT been photoshopped

http://london.craigslist.co.uk/mob/2536072357.html

Am thinking of offering this guy £1,000,000 and asking him to met me outside Hackney Police Station. The /mob/ in the address doesn’t stand for urmmm mob but mobile but it’s kind’a ironic don’t ya think?

and I’ve kept best to last 🙂

bookmark_borderYoutube Statistics

Been looking at youtube stats.

Dogs – about 737,000 results
Cats – about 548,000 results

but conversely;

Funny cats – about 316,000 results
Funny dogs – about 212,000 results

and noticed something odd, there are many more dog videos than cat videos but there are many more funny cat videos than dog videos and I wonder why this is, could it be because dogs just aren’t as funny as cats or is it that dogs just need a better publicist. You decide.

Dogs 49,158,662 views

Cats 55,779,920 views


Personally I think this is the funniest;

1 view.
but then I’m weird.

bookmark_borderHappy 4th July America.

This was doing the rounds on the internet way back in 2000 when GW Bush was trying his best to steal the US election. I think I’ll file it under humour.

To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.

Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair MP, for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections.

The House of Representatives and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminium.” Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour’; skipping the letter ‘U’ is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters.

You will end your love affair with the letter ‘Z’ (pronounced ‘zed’ not ‘zee’) and the suffix “ize” will be replaced by the suffix “ise.”

You will learn that the suffix ‘burgh’ is pronounced ‘burra’ e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you can’t cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary.” Using the same thirty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “uhh”, “like”, and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

Look up “interspersed.”

There will be no more ‘bleeps’ in the Jerry Springer show. If you’re not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn’t have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won’t have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as “US English.” We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of “-ize.”

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn’t that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).

You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents — Scottish dramas such as “Taggart” will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.

While we’re talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is “Devon.” If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become “shires” e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

British sit-coms such as “Men Behaving Badly” or “Red Dwarf” will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can’t cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness. Popular British films such as the Italian Job and the Wicker Man should never be remade.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American “football.” There are other types of football such as Rugby, Aussie Rules & Gaelic football. However proper football – which will no longer be known as soccer, is the best known, most loved and most popular. What you refer to as American “football” is not a very good game.

The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays “American” football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies)

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the ‘World Series’ for a game which is not played outside of North America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls’ game called “rounders,” which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don’t believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. The 4th of July is no longer a public holiday. The 2nd of November will be a new national holiday, but only in Britain. It will be called “Indecisive Day.”

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call ‘French fries’ are not real chips. Fries aren’t even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called “crisps.” Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.

Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling “beer” is not actually beer at all, it is lager . From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as “beer,” and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as “Lager.” The substances formerly known as “American Beer” will henceforth be referred to as “Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine,” with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as “Weak Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine.” This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From the 10th of November the UK will harmonise petrol (or “gasoline,” as you will be permitted to keep calling it until the 1st of April) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon — get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.

bookmark_borderNot so obvious suggestions?

Think you better try Plan Bee

So,  I blogged earlier about Facebook and it’s facial recognition system and how it would be a good idea if we could install that software into our own heads so we never forget a face, the amount of times I’ve been to meetings and parties and I can’t remember someones name… well, it’s getting worse as I get older…  but then I was thinking, what other good ideas are there out there, things that makes you wonder why no-one hasn’t thought of them before…

When driving on a long journey are you worried about falling asleep?  Well, there is now a simple cure; put a bee or a wasp in the car and keep the windows closed. Come on, we all know that for the next 12 hours you are going to do nothing but flap your hands around the place but there is an added benefit because if you accelerate really fast then this will keep throwing the bee to the back of the car and you get to your destination quicker.  It’s basically a win-win situation, maybe not for the bee but for the driver. At petrol stations you could have another little pump that that you fill up with wasps or bee’s depending upon your preference and one of those little hand held pump dispensers filled with jam so you can top up with jam too.

But a word of warning,  I was in a small car years ago with a friend who hated bee’s and wasps, so obviously one got in and I’m telling you, this guy was huge and the wasp was tiny compared to him but he panicked and nearly  drove his car into the path of an oncoming truck, not only did I see his arms flashing about in front of my eyes but I also saw my life flashing before my eyes, after we narrowly avoided that he practically jumped out of the car whilst we were still doing 30 MPH!

So, what else? Well, how about walking boots with Sat Nav?  I know you can get running shoes that connect to all sorts of gizmo’s like the Garmin SatNav but what about shoes with built-in SatNav so they could walk you home when you’re drunk and you would never get lost, or you could program them to take you on the scenic route to work on random days, and you’d never knew exactly when you are about to go on a magical mystery tour – over a cliff.

Then what about nicely flavoured envelopes, I don’t know about you lot but every time I have to seal an envelope before posting it I always go yuck at the gum, how about some nice sweet tasting gum. Of course there is a chance that your kids will sneak in when you aren’t looking and lick all the gum off – or your dog – and then you have non-stick envelopes but it’s worth a shot.

And what about a  one way system in supermarkets, how many times have you been caught in a shopping cart traffic jam in the aisle, lets just sort that out once and for all, enforce a one way system and even put traffic police at the end of the aisle, and if you forget something then you have to go back to the start and begin again.

Then what about car windscreen wipers that keeps to the beat of what ever’s playing on your car radio, that would be much more fun, you might even begin to enjoy a drive in the rain.. and blinkers/indicators that bleep/flash in time to your music…

And what about a standardised Chinese takeaway menu’s so they all had the use the exact same numbers for the same food, that way you can ring up any Chinese takeaway and order in full confidence, you would know, no matter what Chinese you rang up that all you have to do is bark  number 13, 23 and 42 down the phone and you’d know exactly what you are getting..

And finally, what about venetian blinds trousers, if it gets too hot then pull a string and viola, the blinds open up to let the breeze blow in, and this doesn’t have to be restricted to trousers, it can be any item of clothes, your shirt, jumper, teeshirt, even your shorts if you are feeling really brave – or hot. Oh and what about crossing a hamster with a mole, then you have a family pet that when it dies it’s already buried itself.. Yeah, I know, I’m sick!

bookmark_borderCDC: Preparedness 101: Zombie Apocalypse

Don't worry, the CDC has got your back, your arm, your legs, your brains..

Ever wondered how do I prepare for a zombie apocalypse? I’m pretty sure that’s a question that keeps you awake at night. Fear no more, the nice people at Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta have got it all under control, I thought this was a fake or a wind up but apparently not, obviously they have a Zombie issue down there..

http://emergency.cdc.gov/socialmedia/zombies_blog.asp

Nice to know how our ..ermm your tax dollars are being spent..

bookmark_borderBirth pains?

(Let’s have some fun)

Was chatting to a (female) friend this morning about whether men are better at handling pain or woman are better. I was present at the birth of my two beasties and let me tell you, pain? pain? child birth is nothing compared to how hard my hand was squeezed!, I spent twelve hours in that labour room having my hands squeezed so hard that it almost brought tears to my eyes!! No epidural for me, no gas & air, no general anaesthetic for me, pushing something the size of a watermelon out’a yer jacksie is nothing compared to the pain my hands went through, I had to stand there and take it like a man and here’s the thing, you woman think child birth is painful but let me ask you this, how many woman complain about childbirth but immediately want to get pregnant again, it’s so painful that they are happy to say “I’d like another…!”  and have you ever heard a man say to you “wow, that kick in the bollocks was great, I’d like to do that again!!” no, never, because getting kicked in the gonads is ‘much’ more painful than childbirth..

Don’t you agree ladies??

😉

OK OK! you know I’m not serious!

bookmark_borderUniversally Challenged?

Was listening to the radio this morning and there was a competition on, the bloke who had called in needed to answer five general knowledge questions to win a trip to Norway.

Question one was ‘what other name are the Aurora Borealis known as?’. Amazingly the bloke didn’t know the answer, I’m shouting at the radio thinking the stupid bugger is going to somehow hear me, as thick as two short planks as we’d say at home, (actually we’re more likely say as thick as champ but you lot won’t understand that one), if you were that bloke on the radio this morning, here’s a clue, the answer’s in the title of this well known (in the UK) song..

We seem to have our fair share of dimwits this side of the pond which is a bit ironic as the Irish are considered the butt of stupid jokes in much the same way the Polish are in the States. On ‘Perfect Recall’ a contestant was asked “which Duke resides at Woburn Abbey?” and he answered “Hazard” (ouch!), and a lottery quiz contestant finished Eamonn Holmes’s question of “there are three states of matter: solid, liquid and . . .” with the word: “jelly”.

A possibly apocryphal story about an Australian radio ‘Mr and Mrs’ style quiz. Young wife is asked the rather personal question “Where did your husband last make love with you?”, the husband having previously answered “In the kitchen”. Young wife giggles nervously and says she couldn’t possibly say on the radio, her mum might be listening. The host persists, pointing out the incredibly generous prize on offer if she answers correctly. Nervous wife finally answers “Oh alright then, in my ass”…

And from the very same programme featuring a young, obviously excited/nervous newly-wed couple as contestants. In an effort to relax them the host asked them about their wedding and then moved onto the honeymoon from which they’d just returned.
“Did you enjoy it?” the kindly host enquired.
“Oh, yes” came the reply from the excited bride, “Every inch of it!”
(Cue collapse into hysterical laughter of host and audience).

We had 3-2-1 years ago with Ted Rogers asking;

What is a Bison ? is it

a) a north American animal
b) a hatstand
c) something you wash your hands in

The contestant answered c) and lost.

(If you say ‘bison’ with a very posh accent you will understand why the contestant choose something you wash your hands in..)

From Cross-Country Quiz in Ireland back in the eighties, if not the seventies, where the contestants were chosen at random from the audience:

Q: Where is the Taj Mahal?
A: Across the road from the Dental Hospital

True, because back in the day it was a famous Dublin landmark – the restaurant, that is, and was indeed situated across the road from the Dental Hospital. And this is funny..

But best answer was on Jeopardy in the States, the question was along the lines of “This garden implement is also a promiscuous person.” Correct answer – rake. Answer given – ho.
(Completely valid answer. Should have accepted it, actually.)

We have a long running quiz show on the telly once a week, University Challenge. Two teams of four University students take part and some of the questions can be a bit challenging. It’s been running since ?1962.

WONDERFUL accents that could cut glass.. and did you notice some members of the audience were smoking pipes?

The quiz is known primarily for two things these days:

1) The extreme difficulty of the questions compared to most game shows, to the point where among many people, getting one right in an episode is a point of pride
2) The rather irascible temperament of the current host Jeremy Paxman

During a 2007 quarter-final between the University of Manchester and Oxford, teams were asked “Which distribution emits a probability density function f (x) equals 1 over square root of 2 pi times e to the power of minus x squared divided by 2?” The Manchester captain Kieran Lavin very deliberately asked “Could you repeat the question please?” and amidst the laughter Jeremy Paxman adamantly said “No!”

However, not all questions are so high brow, during one episode Paxman asked the teams, ‘The names ‘Cheesemongers’, ‘CherryPickers’, ‘Bob’s Own’, ‘The Emperor’s Chambermaids’ and ‘The Immortals’ are or have been used for which groups of men?’ One unfortunate contestant buzzed in and said, “Homosexuals”.

Paxman’s (somewhat shocked) response was, “No! They’re regiments in the British Army – and they’re going to be very upset with you!” I suspect adding in The Gay Gordons would have muddied the waters further..

And then there was this classic;

Jeremy Paxman: “Thuma, Towcher, Long-man, Lech-man, and Little-man are Old and Middle English names for which parts of the human body?”
Contestant from Kings School of Medicine and Dentistry: “Penis?”.
(The correct answer is fingers’)
Paxman: You’re a medical student! How many penises did they teach you we have nowadays?

bookmark_borderCome fly with me.

I wouldn't have it any other way.

 

I tend to like travelling quite a bit, my usual score is to pitch up at Heathrow airport, ask when the next plane is going to the North America and buy a ticket for it.

BTW Minneapolis in February is bloody freezing. So is New Jersey, in Feb. And Toronto but it seems to be cold all year round there.

Anyway, I’m not exactly sure why airlines travel in a huge arc when they go from London to the States, I can only assume it’s because of emergencies and they hope they can land faster (which is another story I shall share one day) but Billy Connelly here did this talk about airlines and emergency procedures, he said why on earth do they do that emergency life jacket drill at the start of every flight… it’s not like if you are spinning into the sea like a dart from seven miles up that an inflatable vest is going to absorb the impact…or even worse hurtling towards a mountain at seven hundred miles an hour you put on your life vest and sit there smugly knowing that you are perfectly safe… really the ONLY reason airlines do that routine is to confuse future archaeologists…because when you crash at seven hundred miles a hour into a mountain there will be very little left of you BUT in hundreds of thousands of years’ time archaeologist will find your life jacket and think “Aye, yup, there once was a river here…”

The last time I flew across the pond I was sitting beside a rather attractive lady and chatting away and getting on like a house on fire when she interrupted the flow of conversation with a loud sneeze and then she did something funny that I didn’t quite understand at the time, she took a tissue out of her handbag and very surreptitiously gave herself a quick little wipe between her legs and just carried on chatting!

I did a double-take and thought I must been mistaken as she just carried on chatting so I did to.

About thirty minutes later she did the same thing, loud sneeze and then again, surreptitiously took a tissue out and wipe herself between the legs.

I looked at her doing this and gave her a WTF look and she looked at me and said “I am so sorry that I have offended you. I have this very rare, embarrassing physical handicap that causes me to have an orgasm every time I sneeze.”

So, being an ex-nurse, I said to her (with some sympathy), “Oh you poor woman, that’s terrible, are you taking anything for it?”

“Yes” she says to me…”Pepper,”

bookmark_borderDoing The Funky Chicken

Ok, I thought this was funny, something I was reading in a book whilst enjoying the sunshine today, I laughed but your mileage may vary.

Rolls-Royce in Derby has this wonderful way of testing their jet engines against bird strikes, they have a huge cannon which fires chickens from the local supermarket at the jet turbine engines when they are going full blast to make sure every engine can survive an air strike at top speed. So, a number of things occur to me here, do they get free range chicken or cheap crap ones, and do they remove the giblets before firing then into the jet engine and if a chicken makes it way through unscathed does it get to fly away free as a bird..  OK OK I know they are shop chickens but still, I have a wonderful image going through my head now ‘fly free…fly free little birdy…I mean family sized corn fed chicken.”

However, in this book the writer was saying that Rolls-Royce’s main competitors heard about the chicken firing cannon and built one themselves to test their engines too. So everything was set up and they had this magnificent cannon and filled it with a couple of chickens, started up one of their jet engines and fired the cannon and there was a God Almighty explosion and their engine came apart in a million pieces, flames and parts going everywhere and everyone ran for cover.

So the engineers rechecked all their setting, they were stumped as to why a few chickens could cause so much damage, they checked wind speed, ballistics, speed of rotors, angle of impact and they just couldn’t figure out why their engines exploded while Rolls-Royce’s engines remained intact. They scratched their heads in puzzlement ……but then the man firing the cannon asked, “Next time, should I defrost the chickens?”

I burst out laughing at that line and got strange looks from everyone in the park.

bookmark_borderPaperback Raita

Pass the yoghurt please. And the lip balm.

In America, whenever a shop closes, it is invariably replaced by a Starbucks, I know this to be true because I saw it on the Simpson’s. However, in Tooting, south-west London, whenever a shop closes down, it is invariably replaced with an Indian restaurant.

I’m mentioning this because I was just out getting some bits ‘n pieces and noticed that the last independent proper Italian pizza parlour has closed down, the green, white and red outside décor is now gone and it’s now red all over and sporting some Asian name that I can’t get my Irish tongue around.

We still have the chain Pizza Huts and Dominios pizza but after eating proper hand made pizza’s for the last 20 years I just can’t eat the chain muck. So we have ermm David Wongs Chinese restaurant and ermmm that’s about it, apart from a zillion Indian restaurants.

I’m not complaining too much but there are certain ramifications to living in a Pizza/Pasta/Thai/French/Vietnamese/Japanese free zone; number one is that there is no know curry available today that I, or my rear end, can’t handle, I know that’s not really going to get me a job anywhere so putting that on a CV isn’t really going to help – unless of course I apply for chief curry tester at Pataks, a role I seem to have been preparing for during the last 25 years in London, but the other thing is that most of these Indian restaurants are not staffed by Asians but by Polish waiters. This is because of second generation effect, the first generation worked in the family restaurant but the second generation went to University and are lawyers, doctors or increasingly, accountants, so getting someone to work in the family restaurant is becoming difficult. Now when I use my slang Gujarati in the restaurants I just get blank stares.

I was at an Indian restaurant the other night and thought I would try out some of my old Gujarati on the staff there but same thing, maybe it’s the Irish accent, so to check I told them a few of my Indian jokes, what’s the top five songs in the New Delhi charts these days?

Poppadum Preach – Madonna
Tikka Chance On Me – Abba
I Don’t Want To Dansak – Eddie Grant
Jalfrezi Jalfrezi Nights – Kiss
Things Can Only Get Bhuna – D:Ream

The bloke behind the counter laughed (but didn’t give me any discount) and I’m thinking of taking my act elsewhere!  Paperback Raita – Beatles, didn’t even do it but at least I got a smile out of him but he did tell me this funny story. A customer kept asking him to turn the air conditioning up and down every half an hour because he was either too hot or too cold, and this went on for the entire meal, he walked back and forth and adjusted the temp controller in the back, and remained calm and never once got angry. So eventually another customer asked him why didn’t he just throw the pest out. To which he replied “Oh, I really don’t care or mind, we don’t actually have an air conditioner…” Teeheehee

bookmark_borderMeeting The Dreaded Parents..

 

You need to read this with a very upper class English accent.. Years ago I went to a girlfriends parents house for the dreaded first meeting but this family was very posh and I was warned on pain of death that I had to be on best behaviour.

So Sunday comes, we drive down to Hampshire and I meet the parents, June and Peter. All very polite and proper, shakes hands and invited into the drawing room. Sitting down and my stomach doesn’t feel too well, the night before I had a big curry at the local curry house and I was feeling the effects about now..

Anyway, I’m sitting there getting politely grilled by her father when I start to feel the tummy rumble and “wind” build up, I sat there holding this in squirming uncomfortably and trying to be polite.

Just then Jess the dog came in, I rubbed her on the head and she sat down by my feet.  Well, time progressed, the wind built up and eventually I thought I’d have to let a sneaky one off or I’d die. I relaxed a bit planning to drop a silent one but unfortunately there was a loud “Paarrhhh”

I tried not to look too guilty or shame faced.

However, June immediately got up and shouted “Jess! Jess! Come HERE, how awful!!”  Jess just ignored her, probably thinking what’s that interesting smell?

I thought this is great as I can fart away with impunity here and the dog will get the blame!

So half an hour later I felt the rumbling again and I had no hesitation in letting go..”Paaarrrrppphhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”

And once again June jumped up and shouted ” Jess! Jess! Come HERE, how awful!!”

Well, this was great, I could fart away with impunity and the dog got kicked so I sat back, made myself comfortable, drank the earl grey tea (yuck!) and scoffed the biscuits..

So anyway, another half an hour later and I was raring to go again but this time it was a mixture of old curry, lots of earl grey and bourbon biscuits, so I sat there and went “PPPPAAAAAAAAArrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrhhhhhhhhhhPPPPPPPPPP”

To which June jumped up and shouted;

“Jess!  Jess! for Christ’s sake !!……. would you come over here before he shits on you!”

————————————-

Ok, I might have made ALL of that up! 😛  (but I do enjoy telling it at parties!)

 

Image  from – http://www.motifake.com/image/demotivational-poster/1004/ahem-dog-demotivational-poster-1271458847.png

bookmark_borderA load of balls

When I was working on A&E (ER) as a nurse, we had this bloke come in unconscious and naked, he was found by his flatmate who called the ambulance. We checked him over and he had a huge bash on the top of his head (he was bald) but rather unusually he had scratch marks and a small amount of fresh bleeding around his testicles..

We thought this was a weird one, we’ve had some strange cases in A&E like the bloke with the badly injured penis, he claimed he accidentally managed to umm suck his penis up the vacuum spout when he was hoovering, well, that’s what he claimed but we did eye him *somewhat* suspiciously.. I didn’t know it was normal practice to hoover your home naked..in winter..I’ve obviously been doing it all wrong.. and we had a bloke who *fell* onto a toilet cleaning brush instead of falling onto the toilet when drunk and managed to ‘wreck his rectum’ to some suppressed titters from us lot of unbelievers outside the cubicle.. and the amount of folk that accidentally sit on satsumas is amazing…well, they ought to be banned really, they are such a hazard to health…and one bloke managed to get a small light bulb up and around the corner of his rectum… we made copies of the x-ray, it was on the wall of the doctors mess for years..

Anyway, this bloke with the bump and the bleeding testicles.. eventually he regained consciousness and told us his story.. It transpires that he had just finished having a bath and when he got out and dried himself he noticed a scum mark around the bath, so still naked, he got out some bath cleaner and proceeded to lean over and clean his bath.. Whilst he was scrubbing away, his new kitten came into the bathroom, saw his testicles swinging in the breeze and made a lunge for them and dug it’s claws in, he screamed in agony and jumped up suddenly and bashed his head on the medicine cupboard and knocked himself out…

(you might be surprised at just how much of this post is actually true! ;p )

bookmark_borderCrimes and misdemeanors (part four)

There's something fishy going on here...

OK, not sure really if I should confess to this but bugger it, no-one knows where I live, not even me sometimes.

When I was 24 and still living in Northern Ireland I used to go along to my mates Trevor’s house and give him a lift to his footie match on Saturday mornings and support his team.

However, one Saturday morning as I was waiting for him to get his football boots on in the kitchen I spotted that his goldfish, Robert, was lying upside down in his bowl. I said to Trevor and he sighed but went and got a net and fished Robert out. I asked him what he was going to do with Robert and he said he was just going to flush him down the toilet and I told him the decent thing to do would be to bury poor Robert at the bottom of the garden….poor poor Robert..

So Trevor sighs again and moans about being late for the match but  goes get a little trowel, digs a little hole in the garden, buries Robert and off we go to the footie match quite late. (I did ask him if he was going to say a few words but he gave me that ‘go fuck yourself’ look..)

You are probably thinking Robert is a funny name for a goldfish but think about it – if you are called Robert then everyone calls you Bob..  geddit?? Bob..Bob..Bob…

We get there and the teams are still kicking the balls around in pre-match warm-up, the referee delayed the start of the match waiting for Trevor, he didn’t want to play 11 vs 10 aside.  Trevor joins in but I wait by the side line and the referee comes on, he is a bit annoyed about Trevor being late and I have a word with the ref…..  well…when I say a word….I might have embroidered the truth slightly..

So, the ref…  oh dear..  I don’t know if I can tell you this.. so the ref calls both teams together for kick-off but before he does that he brings both teams into a tight circle and explains to everyone that the reason Trevor was late was because he received tragic news this morning of a family bereavement, that one of his distant family members – Robert – had suddenly passed away.  It seems that not only was Robert a great sportsman and apparently he was an excellent swimmer too!

So the two teams stood together for a minutes silence for poor Robert whilst Trevor choked back fits of laughter and looked over at me absolutely wetting myself on the side-lines.

I’m going to hell, aren’t I?

bookmark_borderMarmite Nuts.

You either love it - or hate it.

Dear Agony Aunt,

OK, this won’t mean too much to anyone across the pond but in the UK we have Marmite which we spread thinly on our toast, you either love it or hate it.. full stop. Only the English could sell something using that tag-line. So my part-time flatmate loves it, above is a photo of his cupboard, I think he’s trying to corner the market in Marmite, either that or he’s injecting it..

Marmite Nuts

Yesterday one of the girls in Health & Safety found these and bought him a packet.

I now call him ‘Marmite Nuts’. Everyone thinks it’s hilarious (but the boss is wondering how I know..!)

A few years ago I went on one of my road trips to the north-west of England, up around the Lake District. Very pretty there and for one of the nights I stopped over at quite a posh hotel. In the morning the staff brought breakfast up to my room, it was that posh, and there was cereal, grapefruit and toast – plus Marmite. I, of course made a beeline for the toast and Marmite but whilst I was eating it I managed to drop the toast face down on the sheets – why does toast always fall sticky side down?

So I tried to wipe up the worse and it just spread it all over the sheet and to be honest it looked like I had shit the bed at that point, long skid marks.. Now, you can probably see just where I am going with this but.. one of the staff come up an hour later to collect the dishes and tray and as she walked past the bed she looked at the sheet and gave an involuntary OMG!.

I looked over and realised what she was thinking, that this old bloke had kacked his pants and I said “no, no, it’s not what you think..” and she goes “Oh, it’s OK, we get all sorts in here…accidents happen” and I thought I’d have a bit of fun, so I walked over to the bed, rubbed my finger in the ‘shit’ and stuck it in my mouth..

I’ve never seen anyone’s mouth open so wide in my life.

I going straight to hell, aren’t I?

Yours Mischievously

The Dating Leprechaun