When I was 12 I went to a friend’s house, Albert Vine, we were mates and hung out a lot together and I was always surprised at how nice his parents were, they were so nice that initially I thought they were just acting and it was all for show. It took quite a while for the penny to drop and for me to realise that actually it was my map of the world that was distorted. He was normal and happy and well adjusted – not like I knew those terms at the time but his parents were ever so sweet to him and his brother and that threw me initially.
However, I was playing with him one summer at his house when his mum asked us if we would like a drink of squash as it was very hot. We said yes and came into the kitchen and while I stood there drinking the orange I looked at Albert and looked at his mum and there was …..almost this ….. erm.. ‘energy’ being transmitted between the two of them, Albert was looking at his mum in complete trust and love and that was being reciprocated back to him and I could almost taste the love between them. There was almost a light between them and even as a very uneducated amazingly rough kid I knew exactly what that was and I realised what was missing in my life, how it was actually meant to be..
I was just blown away by the obvious love between them, it was unspoken, un-acknowledged, it just ‘was’, a completely pure feeling of love and his mum was looking at him. Of course they had no inkling of what was going on, they just lived it as if it was the most natural thing in the world (as it is) and got on with their chatter but I stood there almost blown away by the sheer pure love between them.
Anyway, I resumed normal duties but it was the universe saying “THIS is how it’s meant to be”
And then the dream;
I forgot about Albert and his mum and got on with life as I was going through a particularly rough time, ‘mum’ was beating me up with particular passion and this was going on for months, I don’t know why but one Saturday there was a particular nasty punishment with a leather belt and I bleed quite a lot and then was punished again for bleeding on the sheets.
So this Saturday I was sent to bed as further punishment and I hid under the blankets and cried and cried my heart out, I was at the lowest point of my short life, 12 and all I wanted to do was die, I couldn’t understand why anyone could be so cruel and I prayed desperately to God to end it all now and take me back home ..and then I fell asleep ..and had the most wonderful dream..
I dreamt that I was fully grown and I was lying on a sun lounger feeling the warm rays of the sun shining down on my body, I could hear birds singing in the trees, I could smell the flowers in the garden around me and I knew I was in ‘my’ garden, behind me was my house, a happy home full of love and past the garden walls I could see trees and hills in the distance, on the grass two dogs were romping around and playing with a rubber toy, There was a swimming pool and children/grandchildren were in there splashing around and having fun,
I felt totally and utter at peace and as I looked to my left there was someone lying on another sun lounger looking over smiling at me and I knew she was someone special, I felt a deep connection with her, utter trust and love and I knew she was the most sweetest wonderfully loving woman in the whole world and that we didn’t need to speak those words – we just ‘knew’, I loved her with all my heart and she loved me with all her heart and nothing else mattered..
I woke up and it was still daylight and I cried and cried again but this time out of happiness, I knew that wasn’t a dream, I knew it is how I’m going to be one day and I knew I could rise above all the punishments that I was getting and carry on because one day I will be in love and that’s something to look forward to.
Don’t ask me how a 12yr old kid with completely and utterly no experience of love can be so sensitive to love or even have any knowledge of it but that’s how I’ve always been all my life, I am what I am and I don’t try to explain it or question it, I just ‘am’.
I have had a life less ordinary, most of the stuff I blog about and talk about is just humourous chit chat but occasionally, just occasionally I will pull out all the stops and surprise people, at my wedding everyone thought I was just some bog Irishman who wouldn’t amount to much but my wedding speech brought tears to everyone’s eyes, I can write when the occasion requires it and I always surprise everyone. Earlier this year I unexpectedly went to a funeral with a friend, everyone else gave speeches about the mother and was usual touching stuff but I pushed the boat out..
We have a saying – God will always place you where you are needed the most, place you where you can do the most good – and give most comfort and support, and it’s been my honour to perform that duty here since l arrived here last Friday.
I really didn’t have the opportunity to get to know Kay, ironically I came into her life at the time when she was planning to leave, but here’s what I’ve borne witness to during the last seven days;
I have borne witness to the loving husband,
I have borne witness to the loving father,
I have borne witness to the loving sons,
I have borne witness to the loving daughters,
I have borne witness to the loving grandchildren,
I have borne witness to the entire extended family,
And since last Friday I have borne witness to your outrage,
I have borne witness to your strength,
I have borne witness to your pride,
And it must be said that at times I have borne witness to your single minded determination – some braver souls might even say stubbornness!
but I have also borne witness to your kindness,
I have borne witness to your humility,
I have borne witness to your compassion,
and most of all I have borne witness to your love;
And all these qualities that I have borne witness to over the last few days, I am absolutely certain that these are all a reflection of your mums qualities, and I think to myself, she must have been quite a remarkable woman.
And I have no doubt that, looking at all these qualities witnessed, that she will live on,
inside each and every one of you,
for the rest of time..
And I need to thank you all, for letting me be part of this; it has been a joy and a honour.
Thank you very much.