Quite a while back a young woman emailed me on another dating site… she had no photo and minimal profile contents… “I am a simple girl who likes to cook and look after the house and obey my husband…” typical crap that spammers paste in their 1,000’s on various sites…so ‘she’ writes to me with the following;
“Hello, my name is Olawuma. God has asked me to write to you..you are the chosen one. As I lay asleep last night God spoke to me in a dream, he said that you and I were going to get married, have lots of children and live in a castle in Scotland.. please reply as soon as possible because God has ordained this to happen…”
We have a law in this country against badger baiting but I just couldn’t resist poking her with a large stick…
My reply went something like this;
“Hello, God Bless You, thank you for your frankly amazing email, I must say I was astounded and feel deeply honoured and excited to have a message from God sent to me through your obvious good self…pray tell, what are Gods instructions, how may I fulfil His wishes, I am so excited to have such an honour, I await your reply eagerly..peace be with you..”
Almost immediately I got this reply..
“Hello, yes, God spoke to me and has instructed me to tell you that you should immediately send £1000 to my bank account so I may buy an airline ticket from Nigeria to Scotland and then we can do Gods will..”
“YES, OF COURSE, I must do Gods will for HE has spoken… even now I am instructing my accountant to transfer some of my vast wealth to your account (and making plans to move to Scotland and purchase a castle fit for a king) …but there’s just one tiny tiny thing… please do not think of me as an unbeliever but do you not think, what with God being so omnipotent and all that, that maybe God would have actually made the airline ticket before you, after all, if His need is so urgent one would think a simple miracle like that would be the easy option… I await your reply with baited breath, O Choosen One…”
PS By any chance did God happen to mention when HE would be reversing my vasectomy?
“She” wrote back cursing and swearing at me… it seemed not only was she Gods messenger but she also practised voodoo and black magic and my life, my children and my pet hamster were all cursed for eternity…
Snowy hasn’t been the same since..