Think this was about my tenth profile, after some time on Match.com I got a bit fed up and tried to stop all the lunatics from homing in on me, please don’t take this as anything more than tongue in cheek.. I was having a bad hair day.
Sadly it’s all true and based on personal experience
(bar the electronic tagging bit)
(although that’s only a matter of time).
Dear Reader, after some time on this site and some rather interesting experiences I thought I would rewrite my profile as follows, if you have been on this site any length of time you may understand..
Please don’t misinterpret the fact that I have a profile on this site as an open invitation to contact me, if your most used organ is not your brain then I am not interested, if your emergency numbers include not only the Police and Fire service but also Places That Deliver then you and I will never meet.
You know, honesty is an important issue, it would be nice if you could be honest about your age, saying you are 45 when you are 54 claiming it was a typo is pushing it, it would be nice if you could post a photo on the site that wasn’t from 20yrs ago, it would be nice if you could actually post a photo, it’s not Blind Date you know, it would be nice if you didn’t describe yourself as ‘slim’ and actually be size 26, news flash – emailing is not fattening, really, saying you’ve put on some weight during three emails is pushing it, it would be nice if you were up front about your anti psychotic medication, being a member of The AA is good, being a member of other AA is not, Roxanne really is the only Police record you should have, it would be nice if you really weren’t obsessed with Hollyoaks, it would be nice if you actually mention that you have just been ordained in the Anglican Priesthood before we meet (thou that does give added frisson to the missionary position), it would be nice if you could mention the small but important fact that you’re undergoing therapy, being electronically tagged really is a turn off, it would be nice if you could actually string a sentence together, something more than “No”, “I don’t know” and “Isn’t the food in here expensive?” would be good, it would be nice if you have actually read at least one book, Hello magazine doesn’t count.
It would be nice if you could actually pass the evening without drinking 10 pints of beer (and then passing out!), it would be nice if you could actually watch the movie instead of saying constantly ‘what’s going to happen?’ (sudden death sweetie, sudden death!), having a maniacal laugh like Witchie Poo that scares waiters and frightens horses is no no, being so politically correct that you get stroppy when I hold the door open for you is not good, a simple smile and thank you would suffice, telling me that I shouldn’t have ice in my water or eat meat is not conducive to a nice meal, sending a meal back 3 times at a restaurant is frankly embarrassing, dressing like Dame Edna Everage is not sexy, please don’t let your mother choose your clothes, Camilla Parker Bowles is not a good role model and polyester never will make a comeback, thinking we are soul mates after one email is scary, telling me we will get married before the main course makes my buttocks clench together and has me checking out just where the exit is, this ‘Care In The Community’ policy has gone too far.. oh and texting me 14 times as I run away from you screaming is Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
You know, all that probably makes me sound really fussy but I’m not (I’m just have a keen sense of adventure!), just having all your marbles is a good start, reasonable looking, nice smile, manners, goes like a barn door in a storm would be strangely alluring and being able to communicate, have some depth, knowing what partnership actually means would be great! (Obviously the irreverent sense of humour is well covered..)
I live in hope. Choose one 😉