Toilet Humour? A load of crap.

A friend of mine was telling me how she was desperate to go to the loo when shopping in Selfridges, a very posh London store, but had her five year old daughter with her. So she brought her into the only empty loo with her and was mortified to hear her daughter say in a very loud voice “Mummy, why are you covering the toilet seat with toilet roll..?” much to the muffled sniggers from the other five occupied cubicles.. This, BTW, was the same daughter whom we all went to see Bolt, the Disney movie with, and she said during the only quiet part of the movie, in the most poshest voice ever “Oh bugger, I’ve dropped my bloody nuts..” as a Mexican wave of laughter burst across the entire cinema audience..
We men never have to queue at the loo and thus God must be a man. Obviously you woman think the ability to have multiple orgasms is definite proof that God is a woman but for us men the ability to pee standing up in a line is a ermmm..a Godsend, (groan). I could count the number of times I’ve had to queue for a pee on the fingers of one hand. And I know that woman are quite capable of peeing standing up but of course the (probably male) designers of public conveniences seem to think otherwise.

I went to the Mind, Body & Soul Expo in Earls court a few years ago to try to get some unusual Christmas presents and the vast majority of visitors there were ladies, (abet a large proportion with purple or blue hair and kaftan’s). However, I went for a pee and there was a huge queue for the ladies and none for the gents so I sailed past all the ladies only to be shocked to find the gents full of ladies too! It seemed that some desperate soul decided that since there were practically no men there then the gents were being re-designated as ladies for the day. Of course the ladies screamed with laughter when I went in and suggest I go straight ahead a use the loo. I declined the wall urinal but thought I might be able to use one of the cubicles but let me tell you this, no matter how desperate I am to use a loo, it’s impossible for me to have a pee knowing there is a strange woman sitting only inches away.. All I can say is Thank God! for a McDonalds just across the road..

When I first came over to London in ‘85 I had a friend, Rob, who got a summer job as toilet attendant at Kings Cross train station. He was starting nurse training in the autumn with me and just needed something to help pay the rent. He used to tell me some weird stories, people are weird, people who would only use their one and only ‘special’ cubicle and would wait til it was free rather than use the vacant empty one, no matter how desperate they were. People who would use the toilets as their own office and spend half the day there. There is a well known gay pub just close to the station, it seems everyone used to come out of there and use the loos at Kings Cross for purposes for which they definitely weren’t intended. He’d be sitting in his little orifice office reading his paper and think WTF is that noise and have to call the station security to eject the abusers. The funniest thing he ever said to me, and not without some irony, was “I’m telling you, this place is full of weirdos, when someone comes in here and actually has a shit, it’s like a breath of fresh air!”