The Royal We?

SHE who smelt it - dealt it!

So, royal wedding week is upon us and it seems I have to stop going Bah Humbug and pass even more comment on the happy nuptials. London, of course is experiencing Royal Wedding fever and I’m tempted to bugger off across the water – no, not to the States where it will be even worse – but back to Ireland where frankly we couldn’t really give a stuff.

However, I did pick up one bit of interesting news, namely that Prince William and Kate Middleton will be shacking up with Prince Harry after the wedding in Clarence House for a while.. Now is it just me or has this not got all the required ingredients of an excellent sitcom? Can we not just pay the BBC to put hidden cameras (and canned laughter) into each of the (many!) rooms and transmit this? It would be like an upper class version of Friends, we could call it Royal Friends, or The King and I and I’m sure it would be a hit across the water in the States because of course you lot over there lap up anything to do with the Royal family, the networks would go crazy over it. It would make millions!

Just think, we have two prince’s, one destined for the throne, the other simmering enviously in the background wishing he could be king one day instead. We have the completely loopy family, the tree hugging father who is STILL waiting to be King and harbours a dark secret in his past, the new stepmother that everyone dislikes, the grandmother clinging onto power and refusing to step down, the cantankerous grandfather who is becoming more right wing with each day, and of course they are just a normal average couple who have visitors like the Prime Minister, the Arch Bishop of Canterbury and just about every celebrity one can name, can you imagine it, if you are a celeb and you get an invite to Clarence House, of course you are not going to refuse them – so double ratings whammy, Royalty AND celebs, the BBC could sell advertising space and it would make the cost of advertising during Superbowl look like chickenfeed..

And then we have all the plots and sub-plots, Harry wanting to be king…he could place an electric heater in the bathroom and well… if it accidental fell into the bath whilst his brother was bathing, well..who would have thought it.. and of course dad getting more and more impatient with granny because he wants to have a go at sitting on the Royal Throne – and by Royal Throne I don’t mean a King sized toilet – and of course granny is determined that she is going to outlive him and that’s just driving him ever crazier.. and then there is the uncle ‘whom works with all the darlings in the theatre’ and the horsey Aunt who definitely wears the trousers in her relationship and likes to curse and swear like a trooper.. think of it as Friends meets The Golden Girls..

And I wonder what’s it going to be like, two Princes and a Princess living together, it gives a whole new meaning to simple things that you and I take for granted, for example when William and Harry play Monopoly and one buys Old Kent Road he probably actually does buy Old Kent Road, loose change to him I suppose, and playing Battleships and Cruisers, “you sank my Battleship!” might actually mean a real Battleship going down.. and war games, not played on a big table in the loft with plastic soldiers but in Hyde Park with the Household Cavalry on horses and the Blues and Royals Tank Regiment.. now even I’d pay to see that clash!

And another thing, I wonder, did Kate Middleton get the Princess and The Pea test the first night she stayed over with William, was the whole family outside the bedroom door waiting for her to complain about the lumpy bed?

We had a sitcom on during the 80’s called Yes Prime Minister, it was based on the daily goings on in Whitehall and Number 10 and was very popular, especially with the MP’s but the really funny thing was, the writers were always being told that the funny story lines they kept coming up with were actually much closer to the truth than they realised, so I wonder, I could write a few funny storylines and perhaps they’d actually be closer to the truth than anyone realised..

Personally I canny wait for The Turkey Episode..