The Correct Protocol?

What wig?

There’s a guy I come across occasionally at work, he’s about 55 and been going grey and thin on top for quite a while. Last year I met him in the corridor and his hair was no longer grey but very dark – a very blocky black actually and he obviously dyed it himself with a home kit. At the time I wasn’t sure what the correct and appropriate protocol was, does one say ‘hey, I like what you’ve done with your hair..”  even though it was a complete and utter mess or should I ignore it completely.? I manfully struggled to maintain eye contact with him and not stare at his hair (don’t look up…DON’T look up!) and I am particularly proud to say that I managed not to even smirk or snigger but it was a close run thing.

That was last year. I still only see him occasionally but the last time I saw him he suddenly had a suspiciously well groomed full head of hair. In cockney rhyming slang he had a ‘syrup’  (a syrup of figs = wig). And again I’m not sure of the protocol, can I mention it, can I say “nice wig…”   and hey, can I try it on…or place it on a small passing dog to keep the mooch warm in the snow…  This is how my mind works and I’ve now decided to avoid that office at all costs because I’m just going to blurt out something inappropriate sooner or later. The last time I took the piss out of someone’s wig he sentenced me to three years hard labour.

However, someone from his office told me something interesting the other day and I found this fascinating, it seems he has not one but a selection of wigs, and he swaps them around and said to one of the girls (telling me this in all seriousness) that he was nipping off early to go get his hair cut.. and next day he came in with a short wig on…

My mind boggles at this, surely to God he knows that everyone is aware he is wearing a wig, he does work a lot by himself and I think he’s got a lot of balls to even wear a wig but to try fooling everybody… that’s just weird..

And I’m curious, very curious; I met a girl last year and she was wearing a wig, I (bravely) asked her why she was wearing a wig and she said she had alopecia and took off her wig and was practically bald underneath – and instantly…INSTANTLY my mind is in the gutter and wants to know… are you hairless everywhere..and does it save you (a) a lot of discomfort at the beauty parlour and (b) a lot of money too…  but did I dare ask her that when we were both sober?? I never did find out..

I had another friend, a woman who presented me with another ‘correct protocol’ moment, she went off to get a boob job and on the Monday when she returned to work after a few weeks off she was very noticeably larger in the chest. We knew she was off having enhancements but what is the correct thing to say “hey, nice boobs..ummm..can I cop a feel..?” and is this the one and only time when a man can justifiably stare at a woman’s chest and admire her boobs without getting slapped? The thing is, I know every single female friend of hers had a feel…  and I’m curious… I mean I’d like to research what they feel like too…ahem..from a purely scientific perspective of course… honest yer Honour..

Things were a lot less complicated during the Stone Age..