Squirrel Porn?

I’ve been having ‘issues’ with my internet connection since the start of the year and had various blokes from British Telecom come and suck their cheeks in and try to fix my line. It seems my line goes over the roof of the building and the local squirrels have been interfering with my internet connection. I find this somewhat bemusing, I have an image in my head of some grey squirrel sitting on the top of my roof with a laptop downloading squirrel porn and getting right narked off because I have put paid to his nocturnal activities. In much the same way one can buy squirrel proof bird feeders I’m in the market for squirrel proof internet connection as I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before the little bleeders hack into my system again and starting syphoning off my internet feed.

I don’t have much luck with wildlife – which is surprising as I have two teenage boys and therefore should be well versed in raising wildlife. In fact I don’t really do well with any animals, a long long time ago I worked at Battersea Dogs Home. I lasted four hours….yes, a whole morning at Battersea Dogs home. I pitched up and they gave me two pairs of wellies and three teeshirts with Battersea Dogs Home logo on them and set me to work. it all seemed to be going OK until they asked me to clean out the cage with the crazy German Shepard, I looked at it and it glared at me and I thought no effing way am I going in THAT cage but the bastards pushed me in and shut the cage door immediately afterward.

I was absolutely fine for oohhhhhhh two point five seconds where-upon the crazy dog leapt at me and sank his teeth straight into my left wellie! So I obviously tried pulling him off and at the same time hobble out of the cage but this brute wasn’t having any of it, he sank his teeth into me even further and I was in agony so I grabbed my brush and started hitting the crazy bugger over the head trying to get it to release me – and the other staff got incredibly annoyed with me as I hit him over the head with my broom trying to make it let go of my leg, quote “don’t hit him, you’re hurting him!” as he sank his fangs further and further into my leg…funny that…eventually I managed to get the broom handle inside his jaws and sort of prise his jaw open and then in a deft move shove it down his throat whilst I reversed at great speed out’a the cage..

The staff were pissed with me – as if I forced my leg into the bloody dogs mouth… I went and got some bandages, a tetanus shot, went home and never came back but at least I got three teeshirts and two pairs of wellies out of them, pity one wellie had teeth marks..and blood..

However, after that little exercise in meeting my nemesis I thought I deserved a quieter life and got a position in the local library. Then one day a couple of chickens walked in and went;

“Buk Buk BUK”

I thought about this for a few seconds and decided the chickens wanted three books, and promptly gives them some. Without further ado, the chickens walk out. Around midday, the two chickens are back and looking quite annoyed. One leans over to me and says…

“Buk Buk BuuuuUUK!”

I decide that the chickens want another three books and promptly give them some more. The chickens leave as before. About an hour later the two chickens march back in, looking very angry now and nearly shouting…

“Buk Buk Buk Buk BuUUUUKKKK!”

I’m starting to get worried now about where all the stock is going so I give them three more books but also follow them and find out what’s happening.. I followed them out of the library, out of town, and into to the park. At this point, I hide behind a tree, not wanting to be seen. And then I see the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog just kept repeating, “Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit…”