Miss Nottinghill Park

When I started this whole t’inkernet dating malarkey I was very fussy about whom I emailed but after a few weeks (months) of no-one responding to my emails I decided to go to the opposite extreme and made it a rule that no matter how inappropriate (or mad) someone seemed I would chat away with them and meet up with them…

So Miss Nottinghill Park, I know I deserved it….I was obviously a very bad boy in a previous life..

Did you ever see that movie with Julia Roberts called Nottinghill, oh come one, everyone has, well, that was 100% opposite of my experience, I’m thinking of suing Working Title Productions for misleading advertising… I was young, I was foolish, I was naive.. I was stupid..

Anyway, Miss Nottinghill Park and I started off badly on-line as she thought I was being rude to her, I had simply asked her about that new (at the time) movie ‘The Holiday‘ and she sent me back a very sharp email about how dare I assume she would watch such complete trash like that and what sort of dimwit did I take her for….ooooeeerrr and that was only the second email, I should have paid attention to my gut instincts and ran away screaming but like a fool I wrote back telling her she had completely misunderstood my email and I apologised and told her I would disappear under the radar…

She emailed back almost immediately explaining that she had had a shit week and everything was going wrong, she had read my email completely in the wrong frame of mind and perhaps I’d like to meet up for a bite to eat.. I was reluctant as my ‘Danger Will Robinson, Danger Will Robinson‘ alerts were flashing very loudly (and air raid sirens were going off somewhere else) but eventually after asking me three times I agreed to meet her in Nottinghill Park, it would have been bad manners not to, anyway she described herself as ‘slim’ on her profile, and online she had a cute head shot, against my better judgement I went off to Nottinghill to meet her, she said she was a veggie so I hit Marks & Sparks for grub and trundled off.

Got to Nottinghill Park, couldn’t see her anywhere so I phoned her and asked her where she was, she said she could see me and was to my left coming towards me… well now, I turned around and all I could see was this huge woman bounding towards me…I looked behind her and still looking around wondering WTF she was the big woman said ‘Hiya”! I did a double-take, I had this image in my head of a slim blonde but this wasn’t what was standing in front of me.. my mouth fell open..I was gobsmacked, she must have seen the look on my face, wow!  Then I knew why she only had a head shot online, I couldn’t believe what she looked like, she was at least 20 stone if not more and was about 20 yrs older than her photo… I asked her about this, being Mr Subtle of course and she said she had put on a bit of weight since she had started Internet dating.. I looked at her and thought, Geez, I never knew emailing was fattening, three emails and you’ve put on bloody 20 stone.. and aged 20 years…

But her clothes, WOW, talk about granny knickers, she was dressed in much the same style as Dame Edna Everage, including the necklace and bracelets and glasses..or Camilla Parker-Bowles, it was like her mother had dressed her, someone really ought to tell her that polyester went out of fashion in the seventies.. For a flicker of a second I was tempted to turn right around and run away but manners prevailed, I bite my tongue, found somewhere for us to have a picnic away from everybody and tried not to stare!

She talked in a very loud grinding accent and when she was talking it was like some slow motion movie – I was transfixed by the noises coming out of her gob and it was like time had slowwwwwwed downnnnn to a crawl… I thought I was in some time lapse movie..

She was really impressed with my selection of veggie food that I brought with me I told her honestly that I just went to M&$ and bought everything I hate…oooeeerr

Then in the course of the conversation she managed to squeeze in the fact that she hadn’t had a shag for a whole two years despite meeting lots of men I looked at her and thought ..ohhh, not an image I wanted in my head at that moment in time. She kept getting closer and closer to me and I kept moving further and further away, towards the end I was practically fighting her off.. It was like your mother coming on to you…yuck yuck..

Anyway, I remember her telling me about her stupid naive friend who started going to some Buddhist retreat to ‘find herself’ but of course Miss Nottinghill Park didn’t need to do that as she saw her shrink every Tuesday and Friday……wish she had told me that earlier.. I asked if she was on any medication but she said ‘not now….” was thinking of asking if she had electro shock therapy as well..

Fortunately I ran out of food surprisingly quickly, she had scoffed the lot, and she turned around and said that she had to leave ASAP, I asked why (oh lord no, please don’t change your mind!) and she said that she was addicted to Hollyoaks (a teen soap opera) and she needed to run off to catch the omnibus edition.. thank God for Hollyoaks is all I can say.. I was so glad to see her going and just as I was walking back to the park gates I told her that I didn’t really think we were much of a match, (in fact after meeting her I was seriously thinking of joining a monastery), …she nearly burst out crying, she was shocked …and I thought what planet are you on, I made my excuses and almost ran off but the bugger txted me fourteen times, FOURTEEN TIMES on the bleeding way home telling me what a nice time she had and would I like to come around for dinner ‘and breakfast…’ I think not!

I put it all down to experience, sigh…laugh…sigh…laugh..

Let the flank begin…