You need to read this with a very upper class English accent.. Years ago I went to a girlfriends parents house for the dreaded first meeting but this family was very posh and I was warned on pain of death that I had to be on best behaviour.
So Sunday comes, we drive down to Hampshire and I meet the parents, June and Peter. All very polite and proper, shakes hands and invited into the drawing room. Sitting down and my stomach doesn’t feel too well, the night before I had a big curry at the local curry house and I was feeling the effects about now..
Anyway, I’m sitting there getting politely grilled by her father when I start to feel the tummy rumble and “wind” build up, I sat there holding this in squirming uncomfortably and trying to be polite.
Just then Jess the dog came in, I rubbed her on the head and she sat down by my feet. Well, time progressed, the wind built up and eventually I thought I’d have to let a sneaky one off or I’d die. I relaxed a bit planning to drop a silent one but unfortunately there was a loud “Paarrhhh”
I tried not to look too guilty or shame faced.
However, June immediately got up and shouted “Jess! Jess! Come HERE, how awful!!” Jess just ignored her, probably thinking what’s that interesting smell?
I thought this is great as I can fart away with impunity here and the dog will get the blame!
So half an hour later I felt the rumbling again and I had no hesitation in letting go..”Paaarrrrppphhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”
And once again June jumped up and shouted ” Jess! Jess! Come HERE, how awful!!”
Well, this was great, I could fart away with impunity and the dog got kicked so I sat back, made myself comfortable, drank the earl grey tea (yuck!) and scoffed the biscuits..
So anyway, another half an hour later and I was raring to go again but this time it was a mixture of old curry, lots of earl grey and bourbon biscuits, so I sat there and went “PPPPAAAAAAAAArrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrhhhhhhhhhhPPPPPPPPPP”
To which June jumped up and shouted;
“Jess! Jess! for Christ’s sake !!……. would you come over here before he shits on you!”
Ok, I might have made ALL of that up! :P (but I do enjoy telling it at parties!)
Image from – http://www.motifake.com/image/demotivational-poster/1004/ahem-dog-demotivational-poster-1271458847.png