008. Licensed To Date

These days if you want to drive a car you have to do a theory test and then if you pass that then you do a practical test, this can take quite a few months or even years, I have a friend who took six attempts to pass her practical driving test, in Ireland we just need to plough a field in a reasonably straight line.

So I was talking to a friend the other day and she was moaning about ex’s in general and it occurs to me that perhaps men should have to do a theory test and then a practical test before they are allowed to date, they could even get a license at the end of the process and any potential dates could ask to see it before even arranging a date, Licensed To Thrill, so to speak.

I’m thinking, like the British Driving Test that there has to be a minimum age before you are even allowed to do the theory test, it’s seventeen in this country and I think that’s not a bad age to start studying and hitting the books every evening and going to classes, at least you’d be motivated.

I think some of the books you’d have to study would be;

Debrett’s New Guide to Etiquette and Modern Manners

That would sort out traditional manners; holding doors open, saying please and thank you but there are so many more things a modern young gentleman needs to master such as toilet lid etiquette, when is it appropriate to trim toe nails and whom gets to sleep on the wet patch and for this they need to study a much more modern tombe such as;

Would It Kill You to Stop Doing That: A Modern Guide to Manners

Now that’s manners covered, next is practical skills, gaining an understanding that it’s actually the blokes job to cut the grass, hack down that tree (yes, even in sexual equality 2012) and take out the trash and how doing this can enhance your future dating prospects. On top of this other skills required include painting, plumbing and a wiliness to put up shelves without drilling holes into pipes and for this I’d recommend the following;

Reader’s Digest Complete Do-it-Yourself Manual

Ok this is from 1973 but if it was good enough for your father (and me as there is one on the ‘extremely well put up’ shelf) then it’s good enough for you, indeed it’s important to learn to do repairs the proper old fashioned way before learning there are modern contraptions like spray paint and self-adhesive wallpaper..look upon it as an apprenticeship in all things practical. When you have mastered the correct way to paint without managing to get more paint on your hands than the wall then you may progress to something a tad more modern;

The Reader’s Digest Do-It-Yourself Guide to Preventing Costly HomeRepairs: Over 19,000 Easy Hints & Tips

Then we need to have at least a basic understanding of gardens, they are not solely there for barbecues, sun lounging  and football, they are there to enjoy in their own right, consequently the book I’ve had for many years is the following;

Royal Horticulture Society Gardening Through the Year

This small tome of 352 pages (nearly one for each day of the year) will educate you in the where of’s & whens of the garden, never again will you mix up your wisteria from your buddleia, your ceanothus from your fritillaria and you won’t snigger when someone enquires how big is your periwinkle is this year.

Next we have cooking, a subject this blog has touched upon on previously here but I can recommend these books too;

Men’s Cooking: A No-Nonsense Guide to Buying, Cooking and Eating Great Food (Owner’s Kitchen Manual)

How to Cook Everything, Completely Revised 10th Anniversary Edition: 2,000 Simple Recipes for Great Food

It’s said that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach but I know this works equally well for woman’s hearts, you will be forgiven a lot of crimes and misdemeanours if your partner comes home after a hard day to find dinner cooked and a glass of wine waiting for her. Spent all day shacked up on settee watching football?, cook a meal and all is forgiven, you see, historically woman expect so little from us men, we have conditioned woman over the centuries not to expect anything from us so small gestures like cooking supper and Body Shop Mint Foot Lotion massages will flush away a multitude of sins.

Next, Parenting skills

Get a cute dog, impress your potential date at your nurturing skills, if you can look after a dog without losing it (or trading it for a first edition Batman comic in mint condition) then maybe you can be trusted with a baby. Maybe.

PS I know you won’t understand this but dogs are babe magnets, the smaller the dog the more potent this effect, no scientist has ever been able to explain this but the closer your dog looks to a little white scotty the more the opposite sex will be unable to resist you, the owner. Go figure.

And then finally we come to Rumpy-Pumpy.

For heaven sake (and your own sanity) go out immediately and purchase a copy of Greys anatomy, study it fully to find out where the clitoris actually is, it’s not really that difficult you know, it’s not like trying to find a needle in a haystack and even in the dark there are various cues as to where it is, you can take how tightly your partner is pulling your hair as a big hint, however if you are a complete  nincompoop then you will need to study the following closely;

The Good Orgasm Guide: All a Girl Needs for a Great Time

I know this book back to front, inside out and upside down – which is a spooky co-incidence as these are just some of the positions it teaches you. And of course this manual as it cover both manners and sex;

She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman

You see, I can tell you all these things because I’ve been there, bought the teeshirt and have the scars to prove it. By the time I got to 45 I finally had gathered enough experience to be allowed in the deep end of the dating pool but you will stay in the shallow end until you learn these lessons and pass your tests.

And if you require proof that this works then look no further than my ex flatmate Eduardo. He came to me directly from his momma’s house in Peroga, Italy and couldn’t understand why he couldn’t get a date in this country, after all, he was Italian and a doctor and at home he had his pick of beautiful woman. But what he didn’t understand was that Italian woman were resigned to never ever house training their men, they had given up the struggle but in this country woman are made of more determined stock and won’t accept low standards. Therefore I spent six months teaching him how to do laundry, cook a meal, iron his clothes, make his bed and stop treating woman like objects.

Eventually I let him loose in the dating world and he was a hit with the woman, an Italian doctor that could cook (sort’of), clean, make beds and knew where the G Spot was… yes, you can thank me later ladies.

So, in summary, it’s very simple guys, like attracts like, nice woman are only attracted to nice guys, if you don’t have the looks of George Clooney then these few manuals, studied diligently and kept in your home for the rest of your life will greatly enhance the odds of you will waking up with someone nice every morning.